September 2003 Archives

I've been having repeated dreams lately. They've all been different places and different moments...but essentially the same. I'm on horseback, looking from the perspective of my body. I can see the saddle horn, hear the leather squeaking, swat at flys trying to bite my horses ears. I have either been on an overo paint, or on a big chestnut (both quarter horses??? not sure). And I'm just riding. One time I was hot and sweating. Another time it was fall, leaves were falling, and I was wearing an oversized sweater.

Regardless of the locale, the thing I remember the most is that I really felt at peace. I felt a calmness. Something I haven't been feeling during the day-to-day.

I talked with a coworker today who said that people had been filing complaints with the district regarding how much work they have expected of us this past month. Guess I'm not the only teacher who's stressed. I had to have a sub in my class today because I had to go to an equity workshop. Didn't learn anything new. I mean, yeah, you can always pick up morsels of stuff here and there, but nothing that's going to really impact the way I teach. Anyway, I just wish that I could do what I'm paid to do -- teach -- and stop going to these trainings and meetings and classes and junk. I guess the bigwigs in the government who sign the bills that require us to take all of these classes think it will help education somehow if we all fill out too much paperwork and take too many classes. A little is helpful. But there comes a point when you just stress out and tire your teachers and they are too stressed and tired to teach effectively.

Anyway, I started feeling chest pains today and it worries me. I don't think I've ever been this stressed in my life. Yes, even more stressed than when I had Art classes with Stew Luckman. (Some of you just jolted back from your computer screens in shock and may have injured yourselves...yes, I feel more stressed than classes with Stew). I mean, then, I just had the classes. I had a support system of friends and family to keep me sane. Now, I have students and parents and administration and extra classes and piles of ungraded papers and a husband who wants me to have energy left for him and lonliness (I miss MN) and no horse to take the stress away. No horse to take me away from the world and its worries and the expectations. To remind me of what wind feels like in my hair. To remind me of what fresh air feels like in my lungs. To show me a landscape and a sunset that brings me straight to heaven. To remind me of what it means to be Stephanie. Then take me back home so I can be Stephanie, a child of God who is not judged by her teaching effectiveness or her abilities as a wife. Stephanie, who is covered in a grace more profound than the human mind can imagine. And the good thing about the ride is that it returns me as a stronger and better Stephanie than I was before.

But, where is my horse? It has been in my dreams, but I want it to be in my life. I want it to be real.

For some strange reason, during the past week I've had several "messengers" sent on behalf of others to ask me if Josh and I were planning on having a baby any time soon. Strange that it's been all of a sudden. Maybe it's because we're nearing the one year anniversary of our second miscarriage.

Well, the official answer is no. Not trying. So, stop asking. It's becoming a bit painful for me to have to rediscuss this issue with people. Basically, we're just paying debts, living in California, and doing other things. Things like working too much and learning the cello. Things that seem very empty at times...but I guess these are the things I'm supposed to be doing right now for some reason. Not sure why. Just doing them.

When will we have children then? Not sure. Kind of trying to not care so much about the subject and pretend that I'm only fifteen years old and don't see childrearing as a topic for several years down the road. Like I said before, I haven't worked quite enough yet and I still suck at playing the cello. So, let's do one thing at a time.

And stop asking. And kick people who do ask. I'd kind of rather not speak on the subject. Especially to stupid people who don't know me or my situation well enough to really need to ask. And, if you really do need to ask for some reason, then talk to Josh. He's a little more emotionally solid on the topic. And, he can censor things that might be too painful for me.

If you want to talk to me about something...maybe ask me how the cello is going or what kind of dog I want to get next or how work is going or what the weather is like...something along those lines. That I can handle. Babies...not so much.

Sometimes you stop for a moment and look at your life as if you were looking down on yourself from above. You stop and ask, "What the heck am I doing?" And you reassess to see if your life is going the way you'd like it to go. Then you rephrase the question (because you always ask the selfish question first) and wonder if you're going the direction God would like you to go.

Sometimes when I stop I feel extreme pain. I think it's the pain of feeling separated from God. Of knowing that this earth is not my home and that I really belong someplace else...someplace closer to God.

I think it's more extreme now that I've been away from my earthly home for awhile. Not only do I yearn to be with God, but I yearn to be with my family and friends. And I feel as though nothing I can do will bring me to either place. And I feel no comfort.

So I ask God to protect me. And to put his arms around me. And to lift this cloud of lonliness from me. And to send me something that gives me joy. And something to lift the pain. And maybe, if He's willing, to let me go home.

Well, now that I've had a couple of days with purple hair, I've noticed some interesting things. One is that I forget that I have purple hair and wonder why people are staring at me, only to remember - Duh! - that I have purple hair.

I was hit on by another woman today. Not sure if it's a purple hair thing or a bay area thing...probably both. She was kind of nervous and said she loved my hair and that I had beautiful eyes and do I live around here? Not really knowing what to do, I kind of said, "Well...see you around," and left. Strange.

I've also noticed the whispers that follow me as though they were my shadow. Mumbles of "purple...mumble mumble...hair...mumble...who is that?...mumble...looks cool...punk rocker....mumble" Again, strange.

Josh even told me that he kind of thinks I should keep it purple because he likes to see how people react to me. It makes a simple evening interesting. He thinks that my articulate, bright-eyed nature shocks people who assume I'm into goth. It's good to know that I can not only be a good wife for Josh, but also excel in my role as a social experiment.

And the funny part is, I'm one of the most politically conservative people I know. I have purple hair, my husband is bald and drives a VW, he works for Apple, I'm a school teacher and an artist, and I'm a representative of the California teacher's union. Shouldn't I be as liberal as they come? Appearances aren't everything....

Oh, and I can't wait to be blonde again. Better that people think I'm an airhead than a gothic liberal punk rocker.

It all started when our school was having a magazine drive.

Students were supposed to sell magazines to win cool prizes. The money basically funds all student activities such as dances, spirit days, and the like. Each homeroom competes with the others to be the top sellers and recipient of a pizza party and book worm. The sales lasted three weeks.

By the end of the second week, my class was either in last place or darn near close to it. We had, out of 36 students, sold only three magazines. It was a sad time. And, to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to show my face around campus knowing that my class bit the dust on this one. If there were no dances this year, it would be partially our fault.

So, I decided to fan the flame a bit. Three days before the last turn in was due, I told my class that anyone who sold the individual goal of 9 magazine orders would get a free 10 point assignment in my class. Anyone who went to town and sold 50 or more would get me to do the "I'm not worthy" feet kissing thing in front of the whole class. This intrigued them...and they prodded me further. "What if we get first place Mrs. Lewis???" Well, let's just say that I highly doubted that they would get to first place in three days. So, I placed a bet with them.

The final day came when they announced the top selling classes. My class was very anxious to hear the results. And I was very nervous about the bet I had placed with them three days earlier. The announcer came over the loud speaker and announced the third place class...the second place class...then the first place class...and...well....

I just got this book last weekend called What If.... The book asks questions to ponder like, "If you could give anyone one gift, what would you give them and how would you give it to them?" and "If you could eliminate one thing you do in the bathroom for the rest of your life, what would it be?"

Anyhoo, I was reading some of the questions to my students. One of the ones we got was, "If you could assassinate anyone, who would it be?" I was thinking of the evil people in history. You know, the kind of people that say, tried to kill off entire races of people, or really mistreated human beings. My students all said (in a manner a little too resounding for my taste) George Bush.

This took me aback. George Bush? Okay, maybe he's not perfect (but who is?). But...of all the people in the world...GEORGE BUSH??? When I asked them why they said, "Because he kills people." Never mind that they answered in a sentence fragment.

I guess I'm just really distraught over the whole thing. One, that these kids are so misinformed/warped by others that they would wish assassination on our own president. Two, that they are middle schoolers and have no understanding of oh, say, actual fact. And three, that they all chose our president as their first choice, without thinking.

Are these kids getting these opinions from home? From school? From T.V? From a freaky person on the street? My guess is the home....

We had a long talk about George Bush and what he does and what I believe he is working towards. I believe that he does care about human rights...at least to the point that he doesn't like to see a small group of people reaping havoc on our nation and on those in their country who do not hold the same beliefs. I believe that he is fighting for justice and for human rights. You may not agree with how he is doing it.

My students think this is a war over oil. Holy crap.

Oh, and to top it off, one of them said, "Well, he just wasn't as good of a president as Clinton."

I think the world is ending soon. When Clinton is seen as a saint and Bush is seen as an evil monster worthy of death...yes...the end must be near.

I'm not going to get another dog anytime soon. But, as soon as Josh and I get a house, I want to get another furry pal to train and play with. My dilemma is that I can't decide what kind I want. There are so many breeds I want to own sometime before I die...and the animals live so darn long. These are the ones I'd like to own in my lifetime:
Bichon Frise
Boxer
Old English Bulldog
Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
Great Dane
Italian Greyhound
Komondor
Tibetan Terrier
Welsh Terrier
Wire Fox Terrier

Yes, it's a lot. But I'm a dog fan. The question is this...which one is next?

Josh sent this to me. I read it very easily. Kind of blew my mind.

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Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Well, I volunteered to be a representative of my school for the CEA (California Education Association). I'm usually not a union person. The only reason I'm pro-union in public schools is because we work for a monopoly (the government) which usually means that we and the people we serve get smashed by policy makers who don't know what it's like in schools. I wouldn't be pro-union if schools were all owned and operated by private companies...in which case teacher/student rights would more or less regulate themselves.

But that's not what I wanted to discuss today.

I got a flyer in my box today from the CEA that basically said how I am supposed to vote in the upcoming election. Yes, you heard me correctly. I'm supposed to vote no on the recall, and Bustamante for governor. It also said that the recall was put into effect by "right-wing extremists" and, for some reason, I am supposed to fear them and do all that is in my power to keep the freaks down. Between the lines, I read this from the flyer: "You are a moron. You are incapable of thinking intelligently. We are smarter than you. Therefore, rather than sharing with you rational, non-biased information, we are just going to tell you how to vote."

Sad part is...some of the people that I work said at lunch today that they are voting no/Bustamante because "that's what the CEA recommends." I think I choked on my steak.

See, in my own special happy world, I believe that people can recognize bias. I believe that people want to hear clear arguments free from political jargon crap (and hope that they would recognize jargon when they saw it). I believe that people want to weigh the pros and cons of each candidate and make a decision based on the facts that they know.

Boy was I wrong.

I find it amusing that the CEA, an organization that supports teachers, uses such biased talk and jargon to make their points in their flyers. Aren't teachers supposed to be smarter than this? If I was a language arts teacher, Ithink I would use their flyer to teach my students how to recognize generalizations, emotional jargon, bias, and scare tactics. It would really be a great example. Even if I was a left-winger, I'd still be offended by this flyer because it assumes that I am a moron incapable of making an intelligent decision.

See, I research candidates. I listen to their interviews (I try to catch all of the major candidates). I comb their websites for information. I watch their debates on T.V. I try to gather all of the information so I can make an intelligent decision. Then, on voting day, I stand in line and vote. I exercise my democratic right. And, the older I get, the more I start to notice that the voting places are desolate places free from anyone else under sixty years of age. I also realize that people carry things with them into the voting booth like the CEA bulletin that tells you who to vote for.'

Sad part is...I'm not the only one who has been noticing this. I consider it to be one of the worst plagues that has hit this country. A plague that results in the breakdown of the mind. What is it about the human mind that, even though it lives in a so-called free country, still allows others to sway it with cheap arguments and marketing tricks? Do people really want to be told how to vote??? Are we really that lazy???

I have received several e-mails recently claiming to be some Nigerian royalty who "got my name from a friend" as someone who might be willing to help their company with millions of dollars. I can get rich quick! All I have to do is open an account that they can transfer their money into. Then they'll compensate me with $8.3 million. Wow. Sounds so easy.

And the e-mail also says "This is 100% safe." I'm sure it is.

WHO THE HECK WOULD LISTEN TO AN E-MAIL SENT TO THEM BY A RANDOM PERSON??????? Is there anyone out there who got this e-mail and was like, "Sweet..." as they pick up the phone and call Citibank? It's probably some freaky terrorist group that's going to use the account for freaky terrorist things with your name all over it. Either that, or it really is legit and someone needs some serious help on how to advertise for investors. Funny thought, "Hmmm...I have millions of dollars and need help investing it. I know! I think I'll look for some random trustworthy people over the internet!" Ahhh...the internet. The only place where a 13 year old girl is really a lonely, balding, old, hairy man.

I guess I'm not alone in this. Josh sent me a Penny Arcade link that lends some laughingness to this whole scheme.

How about this... if Gary Coleman wins the CA Governor election, I'll actually invest in the freaky Nigerian scheme. Why not? The world is ending anyway. I might as well add a little bit of drama to my final days.

If you haven't already, I've found that it's extremely entertaining to learn about all of the people running for governor in California. Here is a site that lists all of the candidates and directs you to their websites, where you can learn about all of their brilliant ways to save our decrepit state.

My personal favorites include the marajuana legalization attorney & the gay rights attorney. They are real winners. I've found that most of the candidates don't even want to win (and they will state this on their pages). They are just using a governor campaign to push for their issues or just to say "Look at me! I'm gay and I can run for governor! YAY!"

And I thought the world was going to end when Jesse Ventura won in Minnesota. At least the man had a stinking platform.

Oh, and the interesting part about learning about these charcters...I mean candidates...is that the fact that they are running for governor is funny and true. Scary...but strangely entertaining...but still scary.

Yesterday I had the pleasure of escorting a class to the student cabinet election speeches. Middleschool students whose big desire it is to be in the cabinet (a.k.a. set up for dances and plan spirit days), stood in front of the student body and shared why they should be elected to cabinet. Just over 20 kids ran for cabinet. Which also means that I got to listen to just over 20 speeches in a crowded hot room. Not to mention that our sound system is crap for crap, meaning I couldn't hear what half the kids had to say anyway.

Oh, and all of the speeches (except for a select few) were essentially the same. Blah blah blah. Other candidates will promise you things they can't give. Blah blah blah. But I won't lie to you. Blah blah blah. I'll help plan more cooler dances and spirit days. Blah blah blah. Vote for me! YAY! *mild clapping from student body*

I have a plan that will help this long boring speech time. No, it does not include giving the candidates better training on how to write a speech or how to use a microphone. No, it doesn't go over poise, campaign management, or winning popularity. It is this: each candidate can say three words. That's it. Just three. And they (obviously) must be very wisely chosen words. For example, "Vote for me." This probably isn't the best choice since it doesn't specify who to vote for. Here are a few ideas that Josh and I thought were winners:

"Sincerity, Integrity, Dedication."

"Sarah for President"

"Money for votes."

"Joe gives cookies."

See? Then each candidate could get up, say their three words, then the next candidate could speak. We'd be out of there in 20 minutes tops! (We need about 15 minutes to seat and dismiss the students) Perhaps the California Governor candidates could learn a bit from my fine thoughts.

I know this is a strange entry...and is perhaps a bit immodest. But, people have told me that their favorite part of my blog is my honesty. So...I'm being brutally honest. When you eat asparagus, your pee stinks. Okay, maybe not your pee, since only 50% of the population has the pleasure of this phenomenon. But mine does.

I like to make soups on Sundays and try out a new recipe every week. And I usually make a lot so I can eat it in my lunch throughout the week. Well, on Sunday, I chose to make Cream of Asparagus. It wasn't the greatest tasting soup. But, that aside, I did realize that my urine had an interesting odor. I looked it up on google with the words "stinky asparagus pee" and got a whole bunch of interesting articles. You see, asparagus, in some people, breaks down into sulfur which makes the urine aroma...well...different. Try it. See if you experience the same thing or if you are one of the freaks who doesn't get stinky pee. I dare you. Eat it raw, steam it, put cheese on it, make a creamy soup. It doesn't matter, just try it. It's an interesting experiment anyway. And no one dies in the process. And life is all about experiments where no one dies, right?

It's one of those ones where you can't breathe and your nose is runny and your throat hurts so bad that swallowing is painful so you can only eat liquidy things like soup. And your brain is acting kind of foggy so when people talk to you you kind of look at them like, "What?" the whole time they are talking. And your body feels okay except tired and it wants a lot of sleep. But, mostly, you're just worried about the pain in your throat and the headache from your runny sinus passages. So, benadryl and sore throat spray become your new best friends followed by kleenex and gargling with warm salt water. And sometimes you have to put lotion on the end of your nose because it hurts from being blown so much. And other people get sick of living in the same house with you because you can basically do nothing but make piles of dirty kleenexes on every table you walk near. I call it a head thing. And boy do I have it. It started out on Thursday as just a throat thing. Then Friday night it became a throat and fever thing. Then, by Friday morning it had turned into a full-blown head thing. Lurking and making my body its play thing. I have told it to leave. I think it's going to leave soon, but I think it lost its shoes and is looking for them in my sinus passages and still wants to say goodbye to a few friends. Then it will leave. Hopefully by tomorrow or Monday morning at the latest. It has definitely worn out its welcome.

You absolutely have to see the movie American Splendor. It's one of the best flicks I've seen in a long time. I won't go on about it. Just take my word for it, get to a theater and watch it. Even if you have to drive 260 miles and look like a "neurd!"

Well, today I did it. At about 5:00 I decided that I would not bring any work home with me tonight. So, I didn't. And guess what has come of it? I finally caught the stupid eel in my Animal Crossing game! What a success! Sometimes I wish that I was achieving greater things. Things like finishing my big painting, finishing my book, perhaps writing a book... but I guess there's also satisfaction in catching a rare fish on a video game. Oh, and to all of you who have been trying to catch an eel and haven't -- IN YOUR FACE!!!