February 2004 Archives

The Jr. High group at my church had an activity yesterday called "Do Ducks Have Lips?" Basically, the leaders dressed up in disguises and walked around the mall. The kids ran around and had to ask people the code phrase, "Do Ducks Have Lips?" Obviously, if someone not playing the game was asked, they'd say they don't understand (or, "Get the f*** away from me!" as one group of kids got told). If they ask us, we need to respond with, "I don't know, but I hear that snakes have hips." We then sign their card and they continue on looking for people. There are prizes for the kids that find the most leaders.

Josh dressed in a fun costume, which I'll let him describe on his own blog (lest he get angry at me...).

My costume was a red long-haired wig, glasses, a make up job with additional shadows, wrinkles, and facial moles. I wore a black dress with a blouse over it...essentially I looked normal (except my hair may have been a bit brighter than normal red). Oh, I also saran wrapped (under my dress) some socks to my body to make me look a little pudgier than usual. I sat with a stranger that I met at a table, drank my coffee, and read my book. NONE OF THE KIDS FOUND ME!!! What the heck? That totally shocked me because I thought I looked so obvious. I had several groups walk by and look right at me, but keep on walking. One group was going to ask me, but thought that I "looked busy" and didn't want to disturb me. Another group of kids came up to my table and asked the stranger, but didn't ask me! It was a very surreal experience.

I did get a good amount of reading done in my current literary adventure, The Life of Pi.

But, I got a Jamba Juice gift card for going stealth and having no one recognize me. Good times.

Seriously. I was in my room over brunch talking to some girls about an upcoming contest. I was eating a green apple (Granny Smith to be exact) for my morning nourishment. Then, one of the girls said something funny and I laughed after I had just bit off a chunk of my apple. It got lodged in my throat and I couldn't breathe. I was standing there gasping for breath (except I couldn't even gasp, I'd open my mouth and no air would come in or out). One of the girls just stood there and said, "Are you okay? Are you okay?" Over an over. The other one was like, "I think she's choking! Are you choking! Your face is turning red!"

I was pounding on my chest and gaging a bit. I thought, "I need to find a chair to give myself the heimlich!" One of the girls said, "Oh my gosh! You're purple! PURPLE!" As I started standing behind a chair, I gagged and the apple came out.

Wow.

Then I thought about how much it would have stunk to go out like that. I can see the tombstone now, "Here lies Stephanie, she lived a good life, then choked on an apple." If I die young, I hope it's something cool like, "Here lies Stephanie, she lived a good life, then died while saving 1000 kittens and innocent children from a crazed terrorist." Or something cool and heroic like that. Not an Apple. That's just too pathetic.

Here are the sites I made using Adobe GoLive. Please keep in mind that I didn't have any design plans when I made them because I was just making up dummy stuff to learn how to use the program. Most of the links go to random sites.

Site 1 is here.

Site 2 is here.

I guess overall I really enjoyed the experience. I only began to see what the program can do. I do think that the code can get messy in places, but overall it looks after itself really well. I really enjoyed the feature that allowed you to check for broken links. The parts that allow you to map out an image area also significantly more simple than using straight html. I think that I now have the best of both worlds: GoLive (a shortcut program) along with a working knowledge of html. Now, I just need to work on my graphic design skills and I'll be all the rage.

I just took a class last night on Adobe GoLive. It continues on Thursday. I'm basically starting to take courses to learn how to use a lot of Adobe's software. Since Josh and I have been getting into web development, we've both been curious about what shortcuts are available to make web dev less time consuming. Although I think GoLive is neato, there are still a lot of things that bugged me about the program. I guess I'm a control freak and html gives me so much control.

I felt like the biggest geek last night. The teacher gave us a problem to solve to get the cells in the table to align a certain way. I couldn't get the program to work with me, so I just went into the source code and changed it. The teacher was excited that someone had figured out how to change the cells, but I kind of got in trouble a bit when he found out that I didn't use the program, but used the code. I think GoLive is the most powerful when you know how to use the program and how to write html. There's a reason why they let you split the screen with the source code.

Next I'm going to learn Adobe's Live Motion. It's cool being a teacher because I'm a member at this thing called RAFT and they offer free Adobe classes and even free software to teachers who can prove a need. It's a much better price than the webdev classes I was looking at at the University.

Wow. You go, California. And don't let the "Campaign for California Families, a non-profit organization that promotes family values" be such an enemy. Heaven forbid we try to maintain some standard for living around here. But, if anyone is going to challenge God, the Church, and standards for morality...it's right here in San Francisco.

Well, here's the info anyway:

Article 1: 80 Same-Sex Couples Marry in Historic Nuptuals in S.F.
Article 2: Same-Sex Couples Marry in San Francisco

We're having a contest at Christian Club (my middle school jr. high group) to find obscure, weird, or funny when out of context Bible verses. It will be next week and the kids will be combing the pages of their Bibles looking for their obscure verses. Here are mine so far:

• From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths. 2 Kings 2:23-24
• Happy is the one who takes your babies and smashes them against the rocks! Psalm 137:9
• The LORD said to me, "Go, show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adultress. Love her as the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes. Hosea 3:1

If you'd like to join in the search, it's fun! I suggest almightypower.net to help you search for words or phrases. What a fun way to dig into God's word!

Sweet! Josh got me the coolest Valentine's gift. He got me an authentic Lord of the Rings necklace. It's a reproduction of Arwen's Even Star. It's so cool! It came in this cool oak box that says "Lord of the Rings" on the front, it opens like a book. Then, inside, was the sweet necklace itself!

I know...it's a little geeky of me. But I totally dig Arwen's character because she is so patient and willing to wait for love. Plus, Liv Tyler is awesome. Anyhoo...Josh totally did awesome and I love it! Check it out:

I wore pig tails today. Mainly because my hair is too short to be put in a ponytail, and long enough that it goes in my face all the time. I've been teaching the pottery wheel lately, so it's difficult when my hair flies in my face, so I have to push it out of the way with my clay hand. Yuck.

So, pig tails. I received many comments such as, "Oh! I thought you were a student!" and "I thought you looked young before!" and "You look like a kid!"

Is it wrong of me to "look like a kid" and wear pig tails? I kind of don't care and feel like it's my culture's problem for associating pig tails with kids. Why should I limit my style for culture? Is that bad?

It's so interesting how, when life gets boring, the mundane things tend to drive us bonkers. There are so many weekends when I dread the inevitable laundry pile, or every night when the stack of dishes in the sink beckons to me. Even when the car needs gas, I feel like my life has been reduced to some repeated tedious tasks. I hope for my life to become something better, something greater, something more meaninful. Wasn't I meant to have a greater impact on the world than this?

Then, when tragedy strikes and your world is rocked, there is a kind of peace in the mundane things. I know that sounds weird. But, I felt peaceful and real doing my laundry. I was glad that there was some kind of regular thing that kept me tied to the normal world of normal people who do normal things (like laundry). The return to normalcy has been good. How long until it seems mundane and pointless again?

It's amazing the things that change over the course of a week. My books on pregnancy and motherhood have been packed away and replaced with books on miscarriage. The pants that were fitting tight around my waist a few days ago are today hanging on my hips. The maternity clothes that I took out and was washing so they'd be ready for me have been boxed up. My blogs have changed from funny or thoughtful things to words of a grieving woman.

My students have had their presentations pushed ahead to next week and are currently working on "filler" assignments until I get back.

My mother called and said that she had sent me a package several days ago, but that when I got it I shouldn't open it. It had some beautiful maternity shirts inside.

My previously empty counters are now filled with bright bouquets of flowers.

The bubbly high-energy Steph gets replaced with the careful somewhat-reluctant Steph (at least for a little while). The couch that was neat is now covered with blankets and pillows and indents of my curled-up body. The nights that I was sleeping through have been replaced with constant trips to the bathroom as I watch the remains of my child come out.

Conversations with others are filled with awkward pauses. People don't know what to say to you. So...yeah...the awkwardness.

Things That Don't Change:
God.

I guess I'm to the point where I'm pretty sick of the whole miscarriage thing. Like I said before, it's getting all too familiar to go through with this. So, I went to my favorite place, Barnes & Noble, and picked up a couple of books this evening. One is Preventing Miscarriage: The Good News. The other is Empty Arms: Hope and Support for Those Who Have Suffered a Miscarriage.... Maybe I can find some answers. Maybe it will still be a blur as to why I've had three.

Josh figured out today, based on miscarriage statistics, that the chances of me having 3 miscarriages in a row that just happen to be flukes is one out of 216. I'm guessing that there is probably some reason why it's happening. I read some research that says that most repeat miscarriages are usually a problem with the female. That knowledge is both humbling and scary.

I realized something very important today. Someone said to me, "That is so sad that the cry of your heart isn't being answered." I agreed with them at the time. Today I realized that the cry of my heart is not to have a child. I think that would be really a neat experience, but it's not the cry of my heart. The cry of my heart is to know God and to worship Him forever. That is my deepest desire. Whether or not I have a child has no bearing on that cry.

MATTHEW   6:33 "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Amen to that.

He is my Light and my Salvation
Whom have I to fear
In His secret place I'll hide and pray
That I might hear a simple word

He is my Light and my Salvation whom have I to fear?

by Jennifer Knapp

Well, I haven't told many of you that I've been pregnant for nine weeks now. I was waiting to tell people until I was further along so that I knew the baby was healthy (especially considering my last two miscarriages). Well, I started bleeding on Sunday. I went to the doctor on Monday and the baby was fine with a good strong heartbeat. I continued bleeding though and went back to see the doctor this morning. There is no heartbeat. So, I'm losing my third child as we speak.

I guess I'm not really sure how I feel right now. Part of me wants to just get over the whole thing and move on, but I know that's not the healthy thing to do. I need to slow down and grieve this child so that I have a strong foothold to move forward on. I have to be honest though that I am scared out of my mind to try again. I guess I'm a little gun shy. It's so painful to lose kids and it's hard to keep stepping forward and taking the pain. With God's strength I will try again someday. Just not now.

As I tell Josh, I think that the Lewis kids are so cool and so fun that God just can't wait to hang out with them. They're all having a big party with God in heaven right now...and I'll just have to wait to meet them until I get there someday.

I really need God's strength to get through this. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us.

Josh & I are going through some rough stuff right now. Our relationship is strong (so don't think that it's relationship problems...cuz it's not), but we just have some difficult challenges right now. Please pray...God knows what is going on and we would really appreciate blankets of prayer right now. Thanks.

Oh, and I just watched the movie Whale Rider and it was awesome. I also watched The NeverEnding Story...which is a little hokey, but still as enchanting and imaginative as I remember it to be. Good stuff.

I was walking down the sidewalk of my apartment complex and no other human being was in sight. I could, however, hear a play-by-play of the superbowl coming from about every other window. People had their apartments filled, windows open, superbowl blaring, and occasional cheers/jeers. It was such an interesting cultural commentary that everyone (except me) was glued to their television.

I used to watch the superbowl. I used to be interested in it. Now, I have to many other things that are of higher interest so I do them instead of the superbowl.

The streets just seemed so empty. No cars. No people. Many of the people I did see earlier were wearing jerseys or colors of their favorite team. And I...I'm wearing denim. As usual. People today choose to support their favorite team by wearing their colors...I guess that means that my favorite teams are The Gap and Levis. That I can deal with.