March 2004 Archives

Well, I was mini golfing with some middle schoolers the other day. Every time I hit the ball I would say, "One...one hit. Ah! Ah! Ah!" In honor of The Count from Sesame Street. One of the girls eventually asked me why I kept doing that. I said, "I'm just impersonating The Count." She gave me a blank look. I continued, "You know...from Sesame Street." One of her friends piped up, "I think I saw that once! Is that the show with the lions that read?" She was speaking of Read Between the Lions, a Sesame Street spin off...sort of...but not really.

So...yeah. When did Sesame Street go out of style? Did I miss that? Isn't it some kind of sin to grow up without Maria and Mr. Snufalufagus and Oscar the Grouch and Big Bird??? BIG BIRD!!!

The girls said that they watched Blues Clues and Barney growing up. Wow. That made me feel totally old and out of touch.

Reminds me of the time my students asked me what kind of music I liked. I said that I liked Natalie Merchant, U2, Blues Traveler, and some others.... One of the kids piped up and said, "Oh! You listen to the oldies station!" I was like, U2 is NOT OLD! Then I realized that they are, indeed, old. *sigh*

Josh and I spent last night playing mini golf with kids from the youth group (and the friends they brought). We had a blast wacking our balls around, making up songs (with dances), sharing, yelling at our balls that don't go the direction we want them to go, playing in the arcade. I didn't get up the courage to play Dance Dance Revolution. Actually, I think I didn't play because there were always a lot of sweaty boys around it. Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

I took a couple of kids home and we had some interesting conversations about homelife, Christ, and just life. Overall the night was such a joy. I still have a smile on my face.

I used to really get nervous talking about Christianity with peole because I was scared I wouldn't get all the facts right. Or I'd say something dumb that would just send them further from God. But, I don't feel that way with kids. It's just sharing with adults that makes me nervous. That's interesting. I wonder why that is.

I grow frustrated daily by the circumstances that many of my students grow up in. I mean, we're talking serious abuse, drug addiction (even parents who help their kids get stoned because "You're going to do it eventually anyway, so it will be safer if I'm here"), alcoholism, really messy divorces (where the parents try to buy their kid's love, or they say "You can decide who you want to live with, me or your dad," then freak out when they pick the opposite parent. "Why did you pick him don't you love me???"), and so on. It breaks my heart.

I get frustrated by people who have children and can't raise them. Especially the ones who don't seek some kind of help to raise their kids right. I have students who are living on their own (age 11-13) in this country because their parents have sent them "to learn English before we get there." So, that means that we have kids that are essentially on their own for most of the year. They usually don't have a lot of motivation to learn.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO FRUSTRATING. I just don't get it. And sometimes I don't really think there's anything that I could really do to help them. All I know is to listen, to ask questions, and to try to help them in their search for God. He's the one that can help them.

I've been reading this in Dr. Laura's Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I found this part that not only relate to wives, but really to everyone. I've been really considering the difficulties that occur when people concentrate on their feelings too much. And, it seems to be largely what our media pushes. God's Truth doesn't tell us to rely on our feelings, it tells us to rely on Him. Too often people drive their lives with their feelings and it ends up steering them into a really sad, self-centered place. It is when we ACT in a way that is truthful and right, good feelings will FOLLOW. It shouldn't be the other way around.

Anyway, I'll stop blabbing about my opinions and let you read the exerpt:

Obviously, one reason the fangs may come out quickly is that many women who have cycled through too many intimate relationships, shack-ups, and marriages, have developed a well of pain and disappointment. They don't want to be hurt...again. They become hypersensitive and take quick leaps into misassumptions.

...your feelings aren't facts, and your feelings ought not be weapons.

I like that last quote. It's so true.

Well, third quarter is ending tomorrow. And, suddenly, despite my pleading and prodding earlier in the quarter, my students actually care about their grades. This is what I've heard so far today from several students:

• Is there any way that I can get my "C" to a "B" by tomorrow?


• A "D"??? I have a "D"??? How long have I had a "D"??? *I tell student that the grades have been posted in their cabinet weekly since the beginning of the quarter and that I have announced the new postings each week. And that, actually , the "D" is an improvement over the "F" they've been carrying all quarter. Oh yeah, and I sent three grade reports home. Apparently they don't read things.*


• What extra credit can I do? I want to do just enough (not too much & not too little) to make my grade go from a B+ to an A-.


• I lost all of these assignments, can you make new copies for me? *Even though the assignments are from DECEMBER.*


• I handed in my work, but my grade only went from a D to a C!!! It's not fair that you only give half credit to late work!

And the list goes on.

The sad part is that it began to wear on me. After the ninth or tenth student struggled to make their way in my class at the last minute, I felt for the kids who actually are consistently on time, and consistently hand in their work. The kids that ask what they missed when they were sick the day before. Heck, even the kids that let me know in advance when they will be missing school and do their work ahead of time! Why should I hand a grade to the Last-Minute Honchos???

(I don't, by the way. In case you were wondering.)

This made me even more aware of the human condition. Most people want to do as little as possible to get by each day. Especially spiritually. They sin and figure they can just confess their sins and get saved on their deathbeds. They are lazy and sluggish in life, then try to cram in the so-called important stuff at the end.

I don't want to be that way. God, please help me to be consistent. Help me to strive and grow and reach further each day. Allow me the strength to seek You without growing weary or bored or out of touch. Amen.

I've just been amazed at God so regularly lately. I guess I have really been feeling the strength of what happens when you commit youself to a ministry. God teaches you, guides you through it, and sustains you. I've been working with the PBCC Jr. High as well as Hyde's Christian Club. Both have kept me in God's word, have kept me discussing and thinking, have pushed me to pray and to seek God, and have been somewhat of a family to me out here. What a blessing and a joy.

If you're a Christian and aren't involved in a regular ministry, what's keeping you?

This past week has been one of reflection and thanks. The images from Passion of the Christ are still fresh in my mind as I reflect.

• You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore, honor God with your body. (I Corinthians 19b-20)
• You were bought with a price, do not become slaves of men. (I Corinthians 7: 23)
• But there will also...be false teachers among you. They will cleverly teach their destructive heresies about God and even turn against their Master who bought them.

I am not my own. God has purchased me. Therefore, my obedience to Him and His commands is imperative to me attaining any kind of freedom. Being under God's command is better than making my own choices, and I am thankful that I have someone who knows what He's doing looking out for me!

I had a great day today. Josh's folks will be boarding a plane back to MN soon. I'll miss them greatly, but I really enjoyed them being here. They were such amazing servants to Josh and me that I only hope I can reflect some of that back to others. We almost have our whole house unpacked. We have pictures hung. We just have maybe a couple of afternoons worth of stuff to finish. Our move will culminate to our garage sale on Saturday!

Yes I do. Well, some of his songs are a little freaky, and maybe even a bit satanic. But, I find him overall to be thoughtful and very musically interesting. I could work to his music all day long. In fact, I have! Here's one song that's really been catching my interest:

Spoon

Josh and I came home from work today and dinner was ready! Josh's folks are visiting and they totally made us dinner! It was awesome. I can't remember the last time someone had dinner ready for me when I came home. Schweet. They're doing a bunch of other stuff too...especially helping with our move. It makes me feel a little guilty that I don't have more go power and am not working as hard as they are. But, sometimes we need to let other people love on us. And it's awesome. And I feel loved.

Today: Sunny. High 79F. Winds NW at 10 to 20 mph. Currently 73F.

Tonight: Generally clear. Low near 50F. Winds NNW at 5 to 10 mph.

*Steph makes a Nelson Muntz style Ha-Ha to all the people in the midwest.*

My life is in boxes...but slowly working it's way out. Josh's folks are visiting this week. And, the custodians finally waxed the floors in my classroom! Who could ask for anything more?

Darn it. I typed this once...and now I'm typing it again because I closed the wrong window without saving first. So, here goes...again....

I'm way tired today. I'm doing all I can to put on the brakes of my freight train life. I want it to slow down, but sometimes God has other plans. My house is still in boxes. I wish there was more order before I have to go to work tomorrow. I just like to not have to pick through boxes to find my toothbrush or my alarm clock or whatever thing I happen to need at the time. I have a lot done, I'm just tired of spending all of my free time trying to organize my life.

Today we talked with the pastor of the Jr. High group. He said that he wanted to invite us on the Romania trip, but didn't because we were expecting a child at the time. I was also asked a while ago to go on the Yosemite trip with my school, but turned it down because of my pregnancy. Now I have no baby, no Romania, and no Yosemite. It makes me a little angry. I have to keep reminding myself that God has good purpose and will glorify Himself the most if we go with His plans. Sometimes I get frustrated that my brain is too small to comprehend God and His will for my life.

Josh and I have been looking into the possibility of adoption. Not sure when or if this will happen. I'm just not sure how many more times I want to go through miscarriages before giving up completely on having my own child. It's starting to feel a little ritualistic where I get pregnant, get my hopes up (actually, not so much with this last one), lose the child, then take a week off of work to recuperate. How many times do I go through that before I just say forget it?

I've always had a heart for the kids at Cebu Children's Shelter. Ever since I went there on my Philippines trip, I knew that it was a big possibility that some of those kids could end up in my home. I'm not sure when or how or if...it's just a someday possibility.

On top of that, I've been struggling a lot with my looks lately. I never have until now. I just feel unattractive and kind of lousy. I've been checking myself in the mirror too many times and fussing over my clothes. I believe that Satan is messing with my head and trying to get my to believe lies. Again, I find myself at the foot of God's throne. Looking for answers. But even more than that, looking for some kind of peace.

...but the lemons are dropping everywhere! Not that any of my Minnesota friends will be able to help me with this. See, this new place that Josh and I just moved into has a lemon tree in the back. It's very cool, but every day I pick like 5 icky lemons off the ground. So, I basically have no clue how to care for a lemon tree. How do I know when to pick the fruit off? Should I pick it all of? Will I kill the tree? (Because a dead tree would look really stupid in our patio). Any good recipes that utilize lemons???

They seem neverending. I'm amazed at how much random junk we have. I think I mostly finished the bedroom & kitchen and am now moving on to unpacking the bathrooms. Josh's job involves anything with cords and plugs and stringing cords along walls. I hate those jobs. So, hopefully this will be done soon so we can just chill out and have fun!

• God is good (Psalms 119:68, 136:1).
• God loves me and wants me to have his best (Romans 8:32, 38-39).
• I am complete and accepted in Christ (Ephesians 1:4-6).
• God is enough (Psalm 23:1).
• God can be trusted (Isaiah 28:16).
• God doesn’t make any mistakes (Isaiah 46:10).
• God’s grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9).
• The blood of Christ is sufficient to cover all my sin (1 John 1:7).
• The Cross of Christ is sufficient to conquer my sinful flesh (Romans 6:6-7).
• My past does not have to plague me (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).
• God’s word is sufficient to lead me, teach me, and heal me (Psalms 19:7, 107:20, 119:105).
• Through the power of His Holy Spirit, God will enable me to do anything He commands me to do (1 Thessalonians 5:24; Philippians 2:13).
• I am responsible before God for my behavior, responses, and choices (Ezekiel 18:19-22).
• I will reap whatever I sow (Galatians 6:7-8).
• The pathway to true joy is to relinquish control (Matthew 16:25, Luke 1:38, 1 Peter 5:7).
• The greatest freedom I can experience is found through submission to God-ordained authority (Ephesians 5:21).
• Personal holiness is more important than temporal happiness (Ephesians 5:26-27).
• God is more concerned about changing me and glorifying Himself than about solving my problems (Romans 8:29).
• It is impossible to be godly without suffering (1 Peter 5:10).
• My suffering will not last forever (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).
• It’s not about me; it’s all about Him (Colossians 1:16-18; Revelation 4:11).

Taken from Lies Women Believe.

Again, I find myself thankful for the normal everyday things that make you feel sane. After yesterday I was a little emotionally messed up and stressed. I woke up this morning (an hour earlier than usual because I had to go to a stupid meeting) and wanted the day to be over. I brushed my teeth. I washed my hair. I made a latte. I got to work and (after my meeting) taught my students about Art. Today's focus in Visual Art was adding effective texture and detail to define objects. I love that topic.

The routine makes me feel sane. Like, I was going crazy yesterday and now this stuff that sometimes seems boring suddenly makes you happy. It gets you back in the swing of things. I love that. And pretty soon, Josh is going to pick me up, like he does everyday. And I get to hug him (like I do everyday) and convince him to take me out for ice cream (like I do some days).

Actually, I always want ice cream on the texture drawing days. I teach students how to take simple forms and manipulate them to look like an actual object. One example I show is a cone plus a sphere plus a bunch of texture equals a really delicious ice cream. Then I go, "Mmmmmm.... ice cream... garglggglllhhhhh..." And they all laugh because kids today are still in touch with the Simpsons. The Simpsons could very well be the modern day Shakespeare.

Life seems like an accordian to me. There are times where everything is spread out and breathing. Where there is music being made. And times where everything seems to crush together, making no sound. Today was one of the crushing days. I have so much on my mind. I have so much to do at school, so many meetings, computer malfunctions, deadlines, developing, moving, painting, cleaning, prepping, maintaining relationships...and so on.

Now, many of you know me as a hard-working, somewhat stubborn person. It seems strange then that there were a few times where I felt like giving up and...I don't know...being someone else for awhile. Or seeking some escape. But where to? And who is to say that it would bring me any kind of comfort?

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

I know where I can escape. Back to that pier in my mind. Back to that place where songs and praises float up to God like incense. And he is pleased.

The priest shall take a handful of the fine flour and oil, together with all the incense, and burn this as a memorial portion on the altar, an offering made by fire, an aroma pleasing to the LORD. Leviticus 2:2

My need for God has been revealed to me today. My need for Him is profound and I am humbled as I struggle to seek Him in this darkness.

There was a brown out in Cupertino today. I noticed it as I tried to drive through Cupertino and couldn't get through all the stoplights and stuff because the were down. Shops started closing down and people were all over the streets. I went back to our Cupertino house and tried to paint some more. I kept trying to convince myself that the power couldn't possibly stay off too long. Three hours later, I gave up when I couldn't tell if I had actually put paint on a spot of wall or not.

When I was in the Philippines, we were scheduled to have another grueling rehearsal one night. We were all tired from the traveling and non-stop performing. Then, there was a brown out. The whole island lost power, meaning we couldn't have our rehearsal. So, a bunch of us walked down to the ocean and sat on the pier singing worship songs. Kami played guitar. It was so magical. It was one of those moments where I felt as though I didn't need all of the modern stuff that the world gave me. I didn't need to feel important by being in some play. I didn't need anything but God. It felt so good to just be there among friends...all of us praising the Lord.

Memory of my first brown out there made this one seem somehow spiritual and magical. It's like, the electricity goes out and I'm back on that pier singing to God. On the way home I sang to Him. It felt so good to be in His presence.

Josh and I will be moving over the next week. The place we're living in in San Jose raised our rent. So, we're moving somewhere that's a bit more inexpensive and closer to Cupertino (acutally, it's in Cupertino). I like it better than where we are now because it has a bit more space, a garage, and a neat patio with a lemon tree. I'm excited to move, but not excited to load and unload all of our stuff yet again.

Josh went with the church youth group to Hume Lake. I stayed back to get the house prepped. So, I spent all of tonight with a friend painting the place. I get frustrated because in MN I know that my whole family would show up with smiles to help me paint. Here, I asked just about everyone I know and Brian was the only one to take the call. Makes me feel a little out of place, I guess.

We only got the living room done tonight. The paint wasn't coating very well since it's one of those fancy textured paints. Painting seems to take forever. Tomorrow is another day and maybe I'll get further.

I can't explain why, but I just really want to get the whole place painted and maybe even cleaned before Josh gets back. I know he hates painting and stuff so it would be kind of a gift. Maybe he can spend his time doing something else then.

It has just been brought to my attention that the Cantor Art Center at Stanford University has the largest Rodin collection outside of France. They also have a copy of his much acclaimed Gates of Hell. Also, the San Francisco Grace Cathedral has a copy of Ghiberti's famous Gates of Paradise. It's funny to think that I can go from Hell to Paradise in such a short drive!

I asked Josh if he wanted to take the trek someday for fun, and his hatred for San Francisco really came through. He said, "If I have to go to San Francisco to get to paradise, I'll just stay in Stanford's hell."

Hee hee.

I have a student whose English is pretty much non-existent. I think he really is a talkative person, but his lack of English makes it really challenging, not to mention the culture shock of coming from China to here. Anyway, on this form I have students fill out at the beginning so I can get to know them & their needs, he wrote, "My English not good. I cant speak it. I cant write it. It make me angry all time."

Anyway, the kids are making crazy-fun portraits that tell about themselves. In his picture, this student made himself with no mouth. His t-shirt also says "Good Morning" written across it, which was taught in the English Language Development's class that morning. It's really interesting how images tell the story of the person who made it.

I've been reading Sean Hannity's book Deliver Us From Evil. I'd recommend it to liberals and conservatives and everyone in between (even though it is from a mostly conservative viewpoint). It gives an interesting perspective on America and gets you thinking. It's also written very eloquently so it's a thoughtful read.

Anyway, I thought this exerpt was very poignant:

Today's moral relativism is clearly out of step with the traditions of our nation, as the Framers' own words reveal. The foundations of our country recognized the presence of evil in the world and in human nature, and arranged the structure of the government under the Constitution to protect against its ill effects. As James Madison, the father of our Constitution, reveals in Federalist Paper No. 51, the matter of evil was very much on the Framers' minds as they debated the form and nature of the new government.

"If men were angels," Madison wrote, "no government would be necessary. If angels were to govern men, neither external nor internal controls on government would be necessary. In framing a government which is to be administered by men over men, the great difficulty lies in this: you must first enable the government to control the governed; and in the next place oblige it to control itself."

Madison's point is especially trenchant today, though the voices of the left might well deny it. Unlike our Framers, modern liberals tend to see government as the grantor of our rights. Uncomfortable with the idea of God-given natural rights, they seek to substitute their own concepts of liberty and justice -- whatever they may happen to be in the moment. They prefer the idea of a "living and breathing" Constitution, one that can "change with the times." Yet what they fail to see is exactly what Madison warned against: that a government with unchecked power -- whose authority is not grounded in a more fundamental source of morality -- leaves its people unprotected from evil.

Well, I watched The Passion of The Christ yesterday. Kind of on a whim...but it was worth it.

Anyway, I guess I'm just kind of sick of how society is dealing with this movie. On one hand, you have loads of Christians encouraging each other to see it, excited by the dialogues that may occur thanks to the movie, interested to have a deeper understanding of Christ. On the other hand, you have people claiming that it's anti-semitic (which I totally didn't see at all), reviewers giving it bad ratings (and their reasoning is more on the film's message rather than it's storyline/plot or the artistry of how the film was done), and people claiming that it's racist. So, it's an interesting film to not only view in the context of Christianity, but also in the context of our culture. The many reactions to this film give an interesting look at what kind of people reside in America.