June 2004 Archives

Home is where I wanna be.

It's funny how life works sometimes, you look back on the strange things that have happened to you & the bizarre outcomes that have occurred. And yet, you ended up here, in this place, for whatever reason. Sometimes it seems so random & chaotic, but other days it feels so planned & calculated by some higer being looking out for you & your needs.

While in MN a couple of days ago, I found myself for the first time standing back and seeing Minnesota for what it was. A wonderful place filled with people I love, people I have a history with. When I am there, I am covered in Deet to protect myself from getting eaten alive, and am so drugged to avoid the ever painful sinus headache. I had fun going to all of the familiar places, that now seem somehow foreign. But my heart cried out for you, oh California.

On the plane ride home (I'm a pro at the airport system now. What? Gate C5, yeah I know where that is, hope I don't get stranded in Denver again...) I watched Minnesota fade to grey as I laid back and imagined a place where it's strange to not have WiFi, and a good hug is only a Joshua away. I imagined a place where there is an ocean and sea air, where you have to leave the water running practically all day just to get your lawn to grow. A place where you're white, and you're the minority. A place where you feel stupid because you only speak one language. A place where you have a family, not by blood, but by love. Where people don't spend time with you because they have to, but because they like you.

So, I made a mental note to buy the rest of Joni Mitchell's Blue off of iTunes, because she really deserves to be up there with the rest of my music. I sat back with my iBook playing Mystic River & enjoyed the ride home to California.

He cooked good omlettes and stews
And I might have stayed on with him there
But my heart cried out for you, California
Oh California I'm coming home
Oh make me feel good rock'n roll band
I'm your biggest fan
California I'm coming home

Actually, she turned 75 today. We put the candles on the cake to say "57" and asked her, "What??? You're not 57???" So, we switched them back to 75 after she blushed and got a good chuckle out of it.

It was so weird seeing my extended family today. I asked them what's new in their lives, and they all said that there was nothing. So, I said to my mom, "See? There's no reason for me to move back to Minnesota because I never miss anything!" It was funny.

I got to see Jenna (my niece) again today. I stole her from my mom practically every time she held her. Heh heh. She's a great little girl and it'll be cool to see how she grows.

One thing that is really special is that I love to be around my brothers. I don't always know what to say or whatever. But I admire them both for their incredibly big hearts. That, and they are hilarious. I think if I move back to MN, I'm going to invest in my own cable access show called "Fishing With Nathan and Chad." Okay, the title needs work. But, I'm seeing this show filled with fishing, competitive brothers, great one-liners, and fishing tips. That would be cool. They might get mad at me for taking up room in the boat, but that could be part of the humor & charm of the show.

I pitched my show idea to Josh once and he was like, "I would totally watch that...and I don't even like fishing!" So, it should be a good sell considering that Josh doesn't even turn the T.V. on for anything besides the Simpson's or the occasional Futurama.

Any ideas for a better title of the fishing cable show?

Well, it has been settled. I am officially allergic to Minnesota. In California my allergies are almost non-existent. Every time I have come to Minnesota my allergies have been turned on like a lightswitch within 15 minutes of leaving the Airport. When I was in MN growing up, I thought that allergies were just normal and were a part of life. When I moved to Cali, I stopped taking my allergy meds just to see what would happen. Turns out I was pretty much fine and didn't need them. But, when I come to MN, give it a few minutes for the clogging and the sinus headache. Then comes the antihistamine investment. So, I've decided that I'm just allergic to this blasted state. Love it or hate it, I'm allergic to it.

Unfortuntately, it's not that easy. See, there are so many things in Minnesota I'm not allergic to. I spent the day with Carrie today and had a wonderful time just being mello and exploring Grand Ave. Yesterday I hung out with my brother, Ronnie, & Jenna. We drove around and checked out the local real estate and I got to meet my new (beautiful) niece. Thursday night I had dinner with dad and a late-night Perkins snack with mom. I bought a rope toy for Cooper and played with him. These are things I am not allergic to. Thank goodness.

I know when I move back to MN (someday...not soon) I will find a new attachment to the Sixpence None the Richer Song, "A Million Parachutes:"

like a million parachutes
the snow's coming down
I lock up the front door
and turn the lights down
in the glow of the street lights,
I see them descend
like a million parachutes,
small men on a mission

I miss the warm,
and I miss the sun
and I miss the ocean,
I miss everyone
and I miss the bridges
that span across the bay
tonight it seems like ages ago

It is amazing how you can grow to love and desire a place when you spend time there and develop roots and relationships. But, I do miss California whenever I am in Minnesota. It fills a place in my heart that needs to be filled right now, even though I can't quite put my finger on why. God has brought me there and he is feeding me there in ways I never would have expected. It has been awesome so far.

I'm at the San Jose airport right now, and it's such a weird place to be socially. There are all these totally different people that are trying the best they can to interact with people not in the airport. There is this guy on his cell phone that I swear called everyone he knew to tell them, "I'm going to Wyoming, I'll be back tomorrow, I'm buying a new truck, I love you!" It was just strange. That's one reason I do and do not want a cell phone. It connects you to people, as long as they are not strangers in your vicinity.

There are a couple of old dudes that I'm guessing just met today and they're yakking it up having a great time. They don't have a lap top (like me and 4 others in my sight), a cell phone (like 5 others), or some kind of book or magazine (everyone else except one person who is trying to feed her kid). They just come into the airport as they are, look around, make eye contact, then start up a conversation. They may never see each other again, but the best company to them must be live company.

It kind of depresses me that me and my generation would rather hold a conversation with a computer or through a cell phone that actually have to converse with those around me. I'd strike up a conversation, but then I feel weird, like I'm somehow interfering with their life by interrupting their read.

One guy said "bless you" to me when I sneezed. That was pretty nice. But, he's reading some really fat book, whose title I can't see without really looking stupid. I suppose I could just ask. Nah. I'm socially apathetic.

I've had some shifts in my thought regarding my Art, and I think it's pretty interesting. It's one of those things where you feel a thought/idea burning into your head, but you're not quite sure of all the possibilities or implications of it yet. So, I have some exploring to do. I'll put some of it up in the portfolio section of my site throughout the summer. I'm also hoping to finish updating my site, which has been a slow-going process during the school year. Now that I have some time off to think and chill out, I'm excited to finally do what I want to do with my time.

I've also gotten into some crafty things this year. I used to mock the crafty people, but now, here I am, with a bunch of mosaic tiles, adhesive, and some carbide nippers. We recently got some patio furniture and I started my craftiness by planting some stuff, then painting a shelf for my plants. Now I want to make some coasters & a drink serving tray. It just makes me feel calmer & more connected to life to be able to create.

I also think that I want to have a distinctive home. A place where things aren't all just bought from Target, but that things here are unique to us and who we are. I have a picture I wanted to frame & bought a plain wood frame from Michaels and painted it. No one in the world has that frame. It's unique to me and where I am in life right now. It may not be perfect, but it is me and it is more special than the cooler Target frame. Oh, and it was a whole lot cheaper too.

I called home today to wish my dad a happy Father's Day. My mom told me that my dog Winger died this morning. He was about 8 years old and got in a fight with my brother's dog over some bones. My dad and brother split up the fight, and I guess Winger was really upset about the whole thing and got all growly. This morning he seemed okay and my brother let him outside to go to the bathroom. He went into the woods and died.

I always expected his dad Cooper to die first. So, I started to prepare myself for his death as he moves along in age...I just never prepared myself for Winger.

My dogs have always been so significant to me growing up. I started showing my dog Annie when I was in 6th grade. I loved working with her and eventually started teaching classes, grooming dogs, and building equipment. My father and I spent so much amazing time together working with kids and with dogs. It's where my love of teaching started. It's where my love of animals grew profoundly. It's where I learned about who I was.

In high school, when asked to choose between cool parties and my animals, I always chose Cooper, Annie, and Winger. We lost Annie two years ago, and now only Cooper is left. I feel a space in my heart has been left a little empty, and I wish I could have just thrown his stupid ball for him one more time. So, for whatever this means...here you go Winger. Go get it.

It's incredible looking back on your life and thinking of all the other roads that you could have taken. You know, things like...what if I took that Chemistry scholarship from the U of MN instead of going to Bethel? What if I didn't go to that dinner thing where I first met Josh? What if...???

I don't struggle with guilt or wish I had taken other paths. In fact, I think it's pretty amazing that I ended up where I am.

What I do struggle with is the "what ifs" of the future. I see so many different kinds of people around me, and could see myself "becoming" any of them. I mean, I know that I will ultimately be my own unique Stephanie. But, I could see myself having a little hobby farm in Minnesota. I could see myself getting a cottage by the ocean in Santa Cruz with a surf board and a dog that catches frisbees. I could see myself moving to some metropolitan city teaching Art at some college. I could see myself living in a bunch of different places like Australia or Greece. I could see myself becoming a foster parent. I could see myself owning a horse farm and boarding/breeding/showing horses. I could see myself getting a cool little studio and making a bunch of stuff. I could see myself getting more Bible training and/or focusing more on youth ministry.

And the difficult thing is that the choices I make today will set me up to accomplish one of those ends. But, which one to choose? Whenever I consider more education, the major I choose would really determine my end (unless I went back to school again after that, which would be a real pain). Or, maybe I shouldn't get more education and can save myself some cash and spend my time doing other things (like ministry or being a mother). What to choose?

I think that my feeling of concern over what I choose for my future is just as dangerous as those who mull over their past decisions too much and are filled with regret. I'm not prone to regretting past choices, but am definitely prone to over-analyzing the "what ifs" of my future.

I didn't struggle with this before. See, I used to always have this "make your future work for you" mentality. The kind of thing where I knew what I wanted for my life and went out and got it. But now, I don't trust what I want anymore. I look at what God has done with my life so far, and it is so incredibly amazing and I see how He has taken me beyond what I could have ever hoped for. I don't currently see God leading me in any direction right now besides "love & serve those around you as much as you can." So, I guess I'm just chilling out for now. Leaning on God...and trying not to dwell on the direction of my life.

With Father's Day fast approaching, I wanted to reflect a bit. I've been told many times that a person's father shapes their perspective of God. People who have had a bad relationship (or no relationship) with their father generally view God as being like their father and have a difficult time establishing a fond relationship with God. Many people see God as being exactly like their earthly father, and therefore see God with the same shortcomings. I have worked with teens whose fathers have skipped out on their families, and they have shared that they also fear that God is going to skip out on them when they need him the most. My pastor shared about how his father was very strict & used guilt against him, and how he used to see God as "keeping a list of his wrongs." This made his relationship with God difficult until he was able to see that God, indeed, was not like his earthly father. In fact, God's love surpassed anything that a earthly man is capable of feeling and is more profound than we can fathom.

Now, my dad is not perfect. But, if I were to meet God and find out that he was exactly like my father, I would run to him with open arms, completely overjoyed by who he is. My father has been an incredible example to me of humility, servanthood, friendship, love, faith, joy...you name it. And I am so amazingly lucky to have a father who is so open and supportive and...just amazing. So, with Father's Day approaching, I realized that the absolute best compliment I could possibly give my father is that he is such an amazing reflection of Christ and Christ's Love that he makes me want to know God more. I have seen the love of God through my father so many times that the two are interconnected.

Dad, I am blessed beyond belief, beyond what I deserve, and am profoundly thankful that you are my Dad. Thank you for being the man you are, this has spoken to my heart more than anything you could do or say. I am overjoyed by you.

I started my Bible study in Luke today and am excited to take on one of the gospels again since I've been away from them for awhile. Anyway, I was taken aback by how Luke puts the story of Mary and her response...

The angel replied, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby born to you will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God. What's more, your relative Elizabeth has become pregnant in her old age! People used to say she was barren, but she's already in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God."

-Luke 1: 35-37

I think of this situation and imagine that Mary could have lost her fiance, become an outcast in society, been rejected by her family, or even been stoned to death for this pregnancy. She could have seen all of these horrible outcomes of her predicament and cursed God, or felt sorry for herself and curled up in a corner. She could have had so many responses to this...but the one she chose is astonishing me. It moves my heart towards God and His purposes and makes me desire to open my own heart the way Mary did.

Mary responded, "I am the Lord's servant, and I am willing to accept whatever he wants. May everything you have said come true." And then the angel left.

-Luke 1: 35-38

No tantrum. No spazz out. No, "WHY ME, GOD!?!" She simply states that her purpose on Earth is to serve God. Not to serve herself, not to become wealthy or achieve fame, not to "find herself" and her happy Disney ending. It is to serve God. That one response in and of itself is profound. But, she takes it a step further and says that she is willing to accept whatever God wants. Even the horrible outcomes that must have been floating through her mind at the time.

I won't go into how this affects my view of life and the way I live because that would just be horribly boring. But, I just wanted to share that Mary's bold faith, her willingness to serve God as her primary goal in life, and to move beyond it and accept whatever circumstances God gives her (even joyfully as the text goes on!) is incredible. I can only hope that my faith can reflect hers in a way that is pleasing in the sight of God.

I have this problem that I never "feel" like doing anything. It's like, "Hey, Steph, wanna come to the super coolest party ever???" And I'm like, "Ummmm..." (*attempts to think of lame excuse*). But, then I stay home and do nothing of great significance. Even if I get my whole house clean or accomplish some great feat...who cares? Does that really matter to anyone else? Does it really matter to me?

Josh has been talking about the importance of relationships in life. He says that, when we die and go to heaven, the only thing we have left of this world are the relationships we have built with others. It's the only thing that makes us truly unique. Even Sara Groves agrees in her song Just One More Thing:

There's always just one more thing There's always another task There's always I just have one more small favor to ask And everything is urgent and everything is now I wonder what would really happen if I stopped somehow I'll be there in a minute Just a few places to go You wake up a few years later and your kids are grown And everything is important But everything is not At the end of your life your relationships are all you're got And love to me is when you put down that one more thing and say I've got something better to do And love to me is when you walk out on that one more thing and say Nothing will come between me and you Not even one more thing There will never be an end to The request upon your time It's your place to stand up and tell the world You've got to rest awhile And everything is important But everything is not At the end of your life your relationships are all you've got And love to me is when you put down that one more thing and say I've got something better to do And love to me is when you walk out on that one more thing and say Nothing will come between me and you Not even one more thing

Then I stand back and realize that God just needs me to be there sometimes. Like, yesterday was the the Jr. High group kickoff for the summer. I just needed to be there. Even if I didn't "feel like it" or "feel prepared" or have my house in order or feel well-rested or whatever crap-excuse I make up at times like that to avoid social interaction.

When I was in jr. high/high school I was so freaking busy all the time. Seriously, ask my parents. I was always in some play, showing some animal, on some committee, going out with some friends...whatever. I was a total social butterfly and was always busy doing things. Most evenings my dinner was a plate in the fridge covered in saran wrap with my portion of the evening's meal on it. The calendar was covered.

But, once I went to college, I think I just wanted desperately out of that kind of schedule. But, I was still busy every moment with some kind of school work or work or social engagement.

Now, I feel like I actually have more of a choice. But, I fear that the pendulum has swung too far to the other side to the point that I want to spend so much time alone that it's probably not healthy.

Every Tuesday night for my small group I'd freak before hand and not want to go, and be all upset that I couldn't spend the night "doing what I wanted to do." But, then I'd go to small group and I'd get so much love from the girls and would have the best time! Every Tuesday night I came home energized and feeling great! So, why is it that the next week I get crabby and don't want to go again?

I want to be better at loving and encouraging others. I want to be a better friend. I want to be a better relationship-person. And I'm going to start by just being there. By just showing up to things regardless of my feelings and just be present in the room. By just asking a question, listening to an answer, and making a connection.

Well, one of my classes has been quite a challenge for me this year. Maybe it's because it's at the end of the day, but I think I just have a undesired mix of kids. Many of them are fine when they're not around certain people, but many of those "certain people" are in that class as well. So, it's a challenge. Anyway, today we watched the documentery of the Tech of Shrek, which shows the artistry and technology that went into the making of the film. We talk about careers in Art and that many of the possibilities are showcased in the making of animations.

The class was totally silent during the entire thing. They were my best class today.

It got me thinking about how digital and television driven these kids are. I am taking a class this summer about using technology in the classrooom and am really excited to see how kids respond to it. The wheels in my head start to turn when I envision that difficult class with technology in their hands. I think it may be enough to captivate them and their minds. We'll see....

I went to see Shrek 2 with the kids from Hyde's Christian Club last night. It was a great movie (my favorite parts included the animation of Shrek hacking up his silverware, the townspeople running to the Farbucks across the street, and Puss n' Boots' cute kitty face). It was just cool to hang with them. The more I spend time with teens the more I realize how much they have to say and how much value exists in their lives. It makes my life before being involved with teen ministries seem shallow and poorly lived. I think they've taught me more than any course or book could. Too bad I don't get university credit for it.

We only have one week left of school, including Thursday & Friday being only half-days (students leave at 12 noon). We're also taking our students to Great America on Wednesday, which is always a fun, very-long day.

I am at school now, on a Saturday, grading things. Life will be better & happier once the grading is done. Tomorrow is planned with lots of get-togethers with people I love so I'm excited!

I was reading a bit on the history of the bra. It's totally fascinating how breasts have been this bizarre thing through history. They go from being undesirable to the point that women wore bandage-like wraps to minimize their bustlines, to cone shaped, to cleavage-city, to unbelievable breast implants. And why? All for the whims of whatever is considered fashionable at the moment.

Then I hit many articles about how wearing bras may be seriously linked to breast cancer. That's frightening. Here are some statistics:

• Women who wore their bras 24 hours per day had a 3 out of 4 chance of developing breast cancer (in their study, n=2056 for the cancer group and n=2674 for the standard group).


• Women who wore bras more than 12 hour per day but not to bed had a 1 out of 7 risk.


• Women who wore their bras less than 12 hours per day had a 1 out of 152 risk.


• Women who wore bras rarely or never had a 1 out of 168 chance of getting breast cancer. The overall difference between 24 hour wearing and not at all was a 125-fold difference.

There are also groups that claim that bras do not cause cancer, mostly claiming that it has not "been scientifically proven." But, oh wait, no studies have really been done on it. So, I guess that the possibility is still there.

I'm not really coming to any conclusions. I just found the research of bras and why people wear them to be fascinating. The theories of bras causing cancer (especially when combined with other factors) looks quite plausible.

They had this think on the radio this morning where they were letting people call in and say what rock star (living or dead) they wish they could be. It was funny to listen to people explain their reasoning. One guy said he'd like to be Duran Duran because of all the "half naked women they got to hang around." A kid called in and wanted to be Lenny Kravitz because "he has a cool stomach and can play the guitar...sort of." One girl wanted to be Sheryl Crow because "she's like 40-somthing and is still really hot." Another lady wanted to be David Bowie...not sure why...but she did nonetheless. Anyway, it was funny to hear who people would be and why. No one wanted to be Michael Jackson.

So, I got to thinking...Joni Mitchell???...Carole King??? I finally came down to two choices. My second choice is Sporty Spice, assuming she's not a lesbian (cuz I'm not into chicks. If I was into chicks I'd choose to be Justin Timberlake just so I could date Cameron Diaz, but that's beside the point). I just think it would be fun to be in a generated girls music group that acts crazy and gets to make their own English-humored movie (which is actually a pretty fun movie). And I'd pick Sporty over the others because she has the best voice and gets to dress comfy.

My super-dooper ultimate choice would be Dave Matthews. Just because he has some seriously amazing music with sounds that just make me feel alive (sometimes a little freaked out...but alive nonetheless). I would love to just be around those sounds all the time. That is some sweet sweet music.

My mother's generation burned their bras. I think my generation is burning paper. Seriously, I'm starting to hate the stuff and all the waste. For example, twice a week Josh and I receive this "coupon mailer" and "bargain savings" pile of papers in the mail. We never look at it, it just goes straight into the recycling (hey, at least we recycle now). What a waste!

I used to be into scrapbooking. Now I hate it. I was looking at my scrapbooks thinking, "Why on earth would I spend my time to sit down and make those when I could just post the pics on the web?" Then it dawned on me that life has changed. There isn't anything gratifying to me to be able to hold pictures in my hand, or even to hang pictures on my wall (all frames should be digitized). In fact, it's annoying.

I have become the queen of the pdf document. I still wish I could read, take notes, and highlight things that are on my computer though. There needs to be a program that allows me to make highlights and notations on a pdf. There is Zinio now, so you can have a magazine reading experience withouth the paper (and I'm hoping also without the expense).

I used to want the Canon EOS 35mm SLR camera, now I want the Canon EOS Digital. I don't ever want to buy a photo album again. Stupid things.

Burning paper is my message of rebellion against what many people today feel is a print-dominated society that forces people into unnecessary and wasteful foundations soley for the viewing pleasure of the population. And I don't need it. Let's light up!