March 2010 Archives

I have found that I am the kind of person who (usually) needs structure when performing my role as homemaker & stay-at-home mom. Sometimes I'm totally fine just rolling through the days. Sometimes I hit walls where I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything, my kids are whiney, and I'm doing my best to just stay in some kind of good mood. I have found that there are a couple of things that help me avoid these negative days. The first is to keep a minimum level of order in my home. If clean clothes are in my closet, clean dishes are in the cupboards, and stuff isn't scattered around the floor, then I'm generally very chipper.

The second thing that helps me is establishing a routine with my kids. This article from Simple Mom, 20 Tips for Finding Routine with Kids, helped me to fine-tune the things I was already doing. Here are some points made in that article that clicked with me and my thoughts on them:

Think of your job as a job.
Just having this mindset helps me in so many ways. Even if I'm not planning on going out, I daily get up and showered, get dressed, and do my hair and make-up. I think of my husband as a boss/coworker and treat him accordingly (a.k.a. no calling your husband at work to whine and complain about everything). I set goals throughout the day such as having me, the kids, and the dog all fed and ready for the day by 10:00 a.m. along with the kitchen cleaned and laundry started. If I didn't think of my job as a job, I probably wouldn't care about things like this.

Clean as you go.
I need three things done regularly in my home that will send me down a depressive spiral if they are not done daily. First, I must have a clean kitchen. So, dishes are done after every meal. Second, I hate tripping on things, so stuff gets put away throughout the day (or in one giant sweep at night). Last, I will become mega-exasperated if it takes me more than 10 minutes to put an outfit together in the morning because laundry isn't done or it's sitting clean in a giant pile. So, I (try to) do laundry every day. Clean toilets, vacuumed floors, cobwebs... these things don't effect my psyche so they can slide a bit here and there when we get busy.

Have a brain dump at least once during the day - transfer everything swimming around in your head on to paper.
I keep a running To-Do list on my computer and I keep lists of projects, dreams, & art in a sketchbook. If I have too many things in my head I start to get paranoid that I'll forget them, so dumping them onto my lists helps me to prioritize. I want to spend my time on what really matters, not on what is making me stressed at the moment.

The key is to just plan something... Write a set-in-stone schedule, but keep it soft as clay.

1. Consult Resources: I'm always looking for ideas of things to do with my kids. I'm usually laid back about when to do the activities, but do try to set up lots of things to do in my house so that they are ready to go when inspiration strikes. I use a list I put together of activities to do with toddlers (ThingsToDoList.pdf) that I will look at when I don't know what to do or need ideas. I look for ideas from blogs, family & friends, the library, and books (the ones I have are listed as resources on the the Things To Do List).


2. Weekly Plan: I sit down once every couple of weeks and plan out activities using my Weekly Function Plan (WeekFunctionPlan2.pdf). I write it in pencil & change what doesn't work for us. Sometimes I work many weeks out and only fill in what I know I want to do or what is relevant. I try to use a variety of ideas from the resources I listed above. I try to coordinate it with my calendar (like planning a craft time to make a card for an upcoming cousin's birthday).


3. Daily Schedule: Every day I (usually) update my Daily Schedule (DailySchedule.pdf). I keep it inside of a plastic sheet cover and posted in my kitchen (see pic above). I use a white board marker to write on it what I'm doing each day. I will reference my Weekly Function Plan, but don't always adhere to it. In fact, some days I'll go through the whole day without doing any of the activities planned on the schedule!

You'll also notice that I refer to time as "blocks" in my two schedules. What that means is essentially "whatever amount of time exists between x and y." Such as lunch and naptime. Sometimes that's two minutes, sometimes that's two hours. Because I don't want to force a crying toddler through making a marshmallow snowman, I'll skip the project and put him down for a nap early. See, I've learned that mamahood is often about flexibility and letting things go. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't have a plan to avoid the insanity. I know I need one.

I find it interesting that the more serious of spiritual and life battles are often fought internally or in such a way that they are not public. I have been specifically considering families that have dealt with miscarriage or infertility. The only outward sign of this life trial is that the couple has no children, but a stranger or someone not in-the-know might just infer that they chose not to have children.

Now, a couple (especially the woman) dealing with this constantly sees around them all of the families who have children. You see the kids running around, the other mothers and fathers speak of their children, etc. But no one knows of my lost babes by looking at me; they will only know if I choose to speak of them. It is so easy to look around and see all of God's blessings (children) given to other families and then to think inwardly of your own missing children and feel alone in your struggle.

Now, wouldn't it be interesting if women also bore an outward sign of children they have lost? Or children they couldn't have?

I recognize that that would possibly cause more problems than it would solve. Like the adulteress forced to wear a capital "A" on her chest, the woman who could not bear living children would most likely struggle with much shame and guilt. On the other hand, it could give much hope, or at least perspective, to other women experiencing similar trials.

After I had my first miscarriage, women came out of the woodwork to share that they too have gone through that trial. I was astounded because had I never known anybody who dealt with it before my own loss. And after my second miscarriage, even more women came out of the woodwork. How would my life have been altered if (1) before I even had children I was aware that child loss happens so frequently and (2) I was able to easily identify other women who lived through this life trial while also enduring my own? Would easily being able to identify women in my own shared-experience-community allow for greater healing, life perspective, or at least understanding of a sovereign God?

I am in no way saying that women should bear any sign of lost children unless by personal choice. I'm not even sure if it's something I would ever do (unless you consider this blog to be an outward symbol of my losses).

Baby 1 - Lost around June 6th, 2002
Baby 2 - Lost December 9th, 2002
Baby 3 - Lost February 4, 2004
Baby 4 - Lost July 12th, 2006
Baby 5 - Born September 5th, 2007 - Caleb Stephen
Baby 6 - Born December 9th, 2009 - Jack Edward

(It's fun to have this blog because I can see how my willingness to yield to God's decisions has changed from Baby 1 to now. From confusion to anger to disbelief to peace to worship and praise. I'll share that journey at a later time.)

I have been trying to find ways to remember the lives of the four babes I have not known. I hope to someday mark their lives perhaps on my own gravestone (since they never got one of their own). I try to remember them on holidays and I always remember them on the dates that I lost them. I most often think of them when I dream of heaven. I wonder what it will be like to meet four children raised to perfection by God Himself. Blows my mind. Family reunion indeed.