Recently in Spiritual Life Category

I find it interesting that the more serious of spiritual and life battles are often fought internally or in such a way that they are not public. I have been specifically considering families that have dealt with miscarriage or infertility. The only outward sign of this life trial is that the couple has no children, but a stranger or someone not in-the-know might just infer that they chose not to have children.

Now, a couple (especially the woman) dealing with this constantly sees around them all of the families who have children. You see the kids running around, the other mothers and fathers speak of their children, etc. But no one knows of my lost babes by looking at me; they will only know if I choose to speak of them. It is so easy to look around and see all of God's blessings (children) given to other families and then to think inwardly of your own missing children and feel alone in your struggle.

Now, wouldn't it be interesting if women also bore an outward sign of children they have lost? Or children they couldn't have?

I recognize that that would possibly cause more problems than it would solve. Like the adulteress forced to wear a capital "A" on her chest, the woman who could not bear living children would most likely struggle with much shame and guilt. On the other hand, it could give much hope, or at least perspective, to other women experiencing similar trials.

After I had my first miscarriage, women came out of the woodwork to share that they too have gone through that trial. I was astounded because had I never known anybody who dealt with it before my own loss. And after my second miscarriage, even more women came out of the woodwork. How would my life have been altered if (1) before I even had children I was aware that child loss happens so frequently and (2) I was able to easily identify other women who lived through this life trial while also enduring my own? Would easily being able to identify women in my own shared-experience-community allow for greater healing, life perspective, or at least understanding of a sovereign God?

I am in no way saying that women should bear any sign of lost children unless by personal choice. I'm not even sure if it's something I would ever do (unless you consider this blog to be an outward symbol of my losses).

Baby 1 - Lost around June 6th, 2002
Baby 2 - Lost December 9th, 2002
Baby 3 - Lost February 4, 2004
Baby 4 - Lost July 12th, 2006
Baby 5 - Born September 5th, 2007 - Caleb Stephen
Baby 6 - Born December 9th, 2009 - Jack Edward

(It's fun to have this blog because I can see how my willingness to yield to God's decisions has changed from Baby 1 to now. From confusion to anger to disbelief to peace to worship and praise. I'll share that journey at a later time.)

I have been trying to find ways to remember the lives of the four babes I have not known. I hope to someday mark their lives perhaps on my own gravestone (since they never got one of their own). I try to remember them on holidays and I always remember them on the dates that I lost them. I most often think of them when I dream of heaven. I wonder what it will be like to meet four children raised to perfection by God Himself. Blows my mind. Family reunion indeed.

I write lame little melodies to help me memorize scripture. I actually tried learning Matthew 5:13-16 without writing a melody and I couldn't get it down. Then I started singing it and I had it memorized in a few minutes. I have no idea why I work like that, I just do. Someday maybe I'll put on "The Entire Bible: The Musical." That'd be interesting. And long. And have lots of genealogies.

Anyway, these are the new songs from the past few weeks' Fighter Verses. These sound like I am singing in a cave, because that's where I had to go to record them this time. Also, please note that any sounds or tapping in the background is done by none other than my 2-year-old who clearly has no rhythm. Or emotional control. We're working on that.

Matthew 5:3-12 (The Beatitudes): Matthew5_3-12.mp3

Matthew 5:13-16: Matthew5_13-16.mp3

Two things running through my mind these days:

Thing 1: The Woman Who Fears the Lord
I've started reading Proverbs 31:10-31 on a daily basis. I actually typed it out (here it is if you'd like a copy) and have it posted upstairs and downstairs for me to read regularly. I think it's been essential to keeping my wits about me some days. It's easy to feel like I'm trudging through days not making a difference, but this helps me see that serving and loving others is one of the biggest differences I can make! I am so thankful that God continues to prune my branches and refine me. I hope to commit this section of Proverbs to memory so that God's truth will be able to emerge in my thoughts when I don't have my little printout with me.

On a similar note, Nancy Leigh DeMoss is doing a series on Proverbs 31 that I am looking forward to called The Counter-Cultural Woman. Enjoy it yourself if you're interested.

Thing 2: Project 52: Date Nights
Josh and I have decided to make a bold move and put our marriage first by jumping on the Project 52: Date Nights bandwagon. Basically, we've committed to doing a date once a week for the next year. Here are the terms of our agreement:

• Every Friday night from 9:30 -10:30 p.m. is our date night. We can change it to a different day in advance if we'd like.
• Majority of the time the dates will be at home so we don't need babysitters.
• We rotate being in charge of date nights every other week.
• Can't do the same thing twice in one month.
• Dates need to be free most of the time. If not free, then under a budget of $30. Cheaper than if we went out.
• No children allowed. (Except the occasional newborn if we both agree...)
• Must create a date-like atmosphere. No frumpy clothes or pajamas. Make it a special event. Mind the details. But most of all, keep it simple.
• Must commit to engaging with the other person and being positive in doing what his or her date night entails (like, if Josh wanted us to stare at a snow globe for our date night then I'd have to do the best snow globe staring I can do without complaining that it's lame...)

We've already had one date, Josh took me to see Avatar. I have some Valentine's plans for us this week. The beauty of it so far is that we are actually taking initiative to plan dates. Previous to this there was a whole lot of "What do you want to do?" "I dunno, what do you want to do?" "Ummm... let's watch T.V." "Ummm... OK." I know, hot, right?

So, here's to my marriage and my sweet geeky man. I love him and I'm so thankful that now we have some semblance of a plan to love and enjoy each other.

Our church recently memorized all of Psalm 139 for our Fighter Verses. Unfortunately, I totally bombed at memorizing it and was only able to memorize vs. 13-14. But, I got a little melody for it and have officially added at least those two to my memorized verses.

Here is me singing Psalm 139:13-14:

Psalm139_13-14.mp3

I used to study the Fighter Verses and commit them to memory by writing little melodies to go with them, writing about them, and doing other memory tricks. I was fairly consistent when I used to maintain the fighterverse.com site (which I handed over to some fellow BBC members). But, then we hit a stretch where we were learning a long Psalm and I missed the first part of it and then kind of fell off the horse.

I was recently convicted by a few things to get back on that horse.

First, in my private devotions, I was convicted pretty deeply by a couple of verses. The first is 2 Timothy 3:16-17, "All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work" (ESV).

The second verse was 1 Peter 3:13, "...but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you..." (ESV). These are verses that I had read before, but they convicted me this time around that I needed to take scripture memorization more seriously so that I could recall it or at least easily locate it in my Bible.

Second, an article I read interviewed John Piper about a variety of things, including how and why he memorizes scripture. He said, "I'm not into mechanical memorizing. I'm into fighting the fight of faith. I want to memorize Scripture so that I can defeat the devil at 3 o'clock in the afternoon - that's why I memorize! It's so that I can minister to a saint in the hospital at 10 o'clock at night if I've forgotten my Bible. This is for my soul, and for the souls of others around me."

How many times have I been in a situation and my response is, "Um... er... I think the Bible says something about that. Somewhere towards the back." Lame, I know. I want it in my head, word for word, so that I do not take or add anything to it.

Last, I recently finished reading Shepherding a Child's Heart and Don't Make Me Count to Three, both books urge the reader to use scripture to teach children. I was also listening to a talk by Sally Michael titled Resources For Family Ministry (scroll to title from given link) in which she quotes the book Instructing a Child's Heart by Tedd and Margy Tripp: "We give our children big truths they will grow into, rather than light explanations they will grow out of." I was both convicted and encouraged to memorize scripture and theological truths so that I could use them to teach my children (and myself, and others as God would have me) big truths they (and we) will grow into.

Just recently Caleb tried to squish a frog and my response was not, "Be nice" but, "God made that frog. We need to care for God's animals by being gentle." It's a bigger truth that I hope will hold more weight in the future.

So, I'm going to jump back on the horse and make sure that I am committed to memorizing scripture for the long haul. I'm hoping to be able to do the weekly Fighter Verse along with my church (and small group), and also to work on a few other verses during the week that relate to my devotional reading. I am praying that God will be gracious to me and help me get started with an open heart to Him and his Word. "Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law" (Psalm 119:18 ESV).

Here are some of the verses I memorized in the past by writing a melody to go with them. The recordings are just me sitting at my kitchen table singing into my USB microphone. (I know, wouldn't it be so much better if I actually broke out my guitar or piano and polished them up? ...but alas, that would stress me out too much and then I'd never even record them in the first place. Start small, I say. That, and my only real purpose in writing them is to get them to stay in my head!)

• 1 Peter2:9-10 (mp3)
• 1 Thessalonians 5:14-22 (mp3)
• 1 Timothy 4:12 (mp3)
• Isaiah41:10 (mp3)
• Isaiah 43:1b-3a (mp3)
• James 4:16-17 (mp3)
• John 8:31b-32 (mp3)
• John 10:27-30 (mp3)
• John 11:25-26 (mp3)
• Proverbs 3:9-10 (mp3)
• Proverbs 3:11-12 (mp3)
• Psalm 34:1-5 (mp3)
• Psalm 42:11 (mp3)
• Psalm 55:22 (mp3)
• Psalm 96:1-10 (mp3)
• Psalm 100 (mp3)

I have been maintaining a site at fighterverse.com for several months now, but have decided to give up my domain to the fighterverses.com guys. Mostly it's because I'm just not able to be consistent with it, and a lack of consistency will kill a blog. Especially one that needs to be consistent. I normally wouldn't just give a domain away, but these guys go to my church and have been doing a great job with keeping their site updated with relevant and interesting commentary. (Sidenote: I'd love to see them add some testimonials to memorizing Fighter Verses, just to get out of the "heady" commentary sometimes and into real lives... but that's not really their focus. Anyway...). So, to encourage them (and to encourage your weekly memorization of scripture), please check out their site and delve into committing God's Word to memory.

That being said, I'm archiving a few of the things I wrote here on this blog just to keep them around before my old site disappears into the neverworlds.

What is a Fighter Verse?
Fighter Verses are short passages of Scripture that an individual, a small group, or a large body (such as a church) may choose to memorize each week. These verses can then be:

• Meditated on:"This Book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success." (Joshua 1:8)


• Delighted in:"Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night." (Psalm 1:1-2)


• Trusted in: "He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it." (Titus 1:9)


• Prayed: "But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you. And when you pray, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do, for they think that they will be heard for their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." (Matthew 6:6-8, see in context)


• Stored Up: "I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you." (Psalm 119:11)


• Put on with the full armor of God: "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle with flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm." (Ephesians 6:10-13)


• Used in evangelism: "So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ." (Romans 10:17)

What Verses Should I Memorize?
Desiring God and Children Desiring God ministries have the Fighter Verses broken down into sets. Choose a set, print it out, and begin! Once you have gone through all of the sets, you will have memorized 232 Bible passages, which is over 500 verses!

Set A, Set B, Set C, Set D, and Set E

Where did Fighter Verses Start?
While I'm not sure exactly where Fighter Verses started, my story begins with being a new mom at home and wanting to deepen my relationship with Christ while doing seemingly mundane day-to-day tasks. My mother-in-law suggested memorizing Fighter Verses, something her church was doing. I googled "fighter verses" and was brought to Bethlehem Baptist Church's (BBC) Verse of the Week page; I began memorizing. While I cannot confirm this as fact at this point, I believe that people from BBC started the Fighter Verse program and have shared resources for it on their homepage, as well as through Desiring God and Children Desiring God ministries.

Why should I Memorize?
Besides the scriptural reasons I listed above, I believe that having the Word of God committed to memory allows you to call upon it during the many ups and downs in life. They have comforted me, disciplined me, taught me, and helped me minister to others. In addition to the thoughts I've written here, I strongly recommend reading John Piper's message, "Why Memorize Scripture?"

What Bible Version do you use and why?
I began memorizing using the NIV, because that was the Bible I had used for many years. I have switched, however, to the ESV Bible primarily because it is the version my church uses, but also because of some compelling thoughts from John Piper.

Resources
The following is a list of resources I have put together to help you in your quest to memorize scripture.

Resources to Read Regularly

• FighterVerses.com - This is a site run by some fellow Bethlehem Baptist Church guys. They are pastoral apprentices there and have good things to say.
• Desiring God Blog - Although not directly related to the memorization of scripture (they strongly advocate it), this is one of my favorite blog reads to help me understand Scripture. They also have excellent resources in the form of podcasts, videos, etc.

Resources to Download

• Set D Fighter Verses for 2009 (PDF) - This is a list of the verses that will be memorized each week for 2009. This list is provided courtesy of Bethlehem Baptist Church's Verse of the Week page.

Resources to Buy

• Bible Memory Resources - I use the ESV Fighter Verse Pack at home and also have the CD, which has recordings of people speaking the verses. I have used the two together to listen to verses in the car, and also read and review verses. They also have a set of Foundation Verses, which I hope to start learning with my children when they are a bit older.

Articles to Read

• Why Memorize Scripture? - An excellent article by John Piper.


• Memorizing the Word is Possible - Sally Michael shares her insights into four ways you can memorize scripture. They include (1) taking advantage of already established routines, (2) keeping verses handy, (3) posting the verses in a prominent location, and (4) retaining verses. Read the full article for detailed explanations of each.


• An Approach to the Extended Memorization of Scripture - This is an excellent article written by Dr. Andrew Davis that suggests ways to memorize verses and even entire books of the Bible. (link via Hope in God)


• Fighter Verses Again? - Another article by Sally Michael sharing how the truth of memorized scripture brought "a harvest of heart change."


• How to Teach Bible Verses to Toddlers and Preschoolers - Some ideas for helping the little ones to memorize scripture.


• Teaching with Fighter Verses - Here are some suggestions for using Fighter Verses with children in Sunday School class.

How to Memorize Scripture
The bottom line is that you need to find the way that you memorize the best and practice regular self-discipline to memorize your verses. (Note: Memorizing with others will help keep you accountable as well!)

That being said, I usually memorize using the following steps:

Prayer and Studying Verse Context Memorizing God's word begins with prayer. I pray for God to:

1. Give me strength to mediate on His word day and night (Joshua 1:8)
2. Help me to delight in His law (Psalm 1:1-2)
3. Hold firm to the trustworthiness of His Word (Titus 1:9)
4. Bring the verse to mind when I am praying (Matthew 6:6-8)
5. Store up His Word in my heart so that I don't sin against Him, and also that I will not forget the verses I have memorized (Psalm 119:11)
6. Help me to stand firm in battle (Ephesians 6:10-13)
7. Use these memorized verses when I evangelize to others (Romans 10:17)

Reciting I take a print copy of the week's verse (I use the fighter verse pack) and recite it as I go about my day - at breakfast, washing dishes, in the car, etc. I listen to my words as I say the verse out loud and also concentrate on the cadence of the language. Once I've heard the verse numerous times, it helps me to externalize the verse.

Externalizing For me, this step makes the verse more permanent in my mind and also boosts my personal reflection. I choose to turn the verse into something that will "burn it into my mind" better. This includes, but is not limited to, using the verse to do one or more of the following:

• Compose a melody to make the verse singable
• Learn sign language
• Create a work of art (painting, drawing, cartoon, collage, craft, etc.)
• Make up a dance or motions to act out the verse
• Use digital media to make an animation, movie, slide show, etc.
• Speak the verse to a rhythm, use clapping or other rhythm instruments
• Learn the verse out loud with others, do a call and response, etc.

Personal Reflection
Once a verse has been rolling in my mind for awhile, I continually pray that God would make it real in my life. I trust that God, in His own time, will impress the truth of His word upon me. I try to reflect on what I am learning by discussing it with others and journaling (usually through this blog). I thank God for all that he teaches and changes in me as a result of learning His word.

Reviewing Past Verses
I go back regularly and review verses by reciting them (from my fighter verse pack and from what I have posted on this blog). I praise God for verses that stick and further review verses I don't remember.

[Note: This was originally posted on my fighterverse.com site, but I have since given it up. It attempt to archive a few of the things I wrote, I am reposting it here on the original date that I wrote it.]

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing,

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit. Do not despise prophecies, but test everything; hold fast what is good. Abstain from every form of evil. (1 Thessalonians 5:14-22 ESV)

Considering my recent circumstances, learning this verse has helped me a great deal. My husband has been somewhat fainthearted - sad because he lost a job he loved, weary from the emotional weight, and struggling to reorient himself to looking for a job. And what am I to do? Encourage him. Be patient with him.

While it has been easier than usual to "pray without ceasing" (isn't it always easier when life is hard? I need to remember to pray without ceasing even when things are going well...), it has been more of a challenge to "rejoice always" and "give thanks in all circumstances."

After my husband lost his job, my son got the stomach flu and threw up around 10 times during the night. The next day, I got it, and couldn't keep any food down for a good 48 hours. The following day, you guessed it, Josh was sick too. So, here I am, trying to comfort my son and husband while feeling my own stomach revolt against me... and rejoice??? Give thanks???

This is why I am so thankful for Scripture. There are so many times when I think, "Well, the Bible says to do it so I'm just going to do it even though I don't feel like it." So, I started rejoicing and giving thanks for anything I could think of. Then God was gracious and continued to open my eyes to His goodness, His redemption, His grace and mercy.

Praises to the great God of Comfort, who continues to reveal His great mercies to me and my family.

[Note: This was originally posted on my fighterverse.com site, but I have since given it up. It attempt to archive a few of the things I wrote, I am reposting it here on the original date that I wrote it.]

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. (Isaiah 43:1b-3a ESV)

My husband lost his job today.

Here's the story: My son, Caleb, and I went to the Children's museum for a fun day of exploration. We did something in every exhibit and finally ended up playing in a pool of bubbles. My cell phone rang and it was Josh, "Hi, honey. Um... can you sit down?" I was leaning over Caleb, holding the back of his shirt to keep him from jumping in the water.

"Okay, I'm sitting." I lied.

"[My Company] just laid off a bunch of people today. And, I'm one of them."

I didn't panic or cry or get angry. I just mumbled something like, "Okay. Well, okay. We'll just have to trust God and see where this takes us." Josh asked me if I could leave the museum to get him immediately. About a quarter of the employees at his company were laid off that day and it wasn't exactly the best place to remain at the moment.

When I had finally navigated the skyways to get to my car, I saw that my iPod was plugged in and continuously playing my memory song for this week's fighter verse. I left it playing as I drove from St. Paul to Minneapolis to pick up my husband. My thoughts interspersed with the verses that sang out from the car stereo:

Fear not, for I have redeemed you...
What can this world do to me when I have the most important gift, redemption in Christ?

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you... they shall not overwhelm you...
My God is the same God who allowed the Israelites to pass through waters unharmed, even as their enemy pressed in behind them. Will not this same God protect my family?

When you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
My God is the same God who allowed Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to pass through the fiery furnace unharmed after they refused to worship King Nebuchadnezzar's golden idol. Will not this same God protect my family?

For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Yes, you are the Lord. You are my God. You are Holy. And you are my Savior. I have nothing to fear.

What a joy to have my fear replaced with praise and glory to God. Meditate on His Word day and night and see if your spirit too begins to rejoice in the face of trials.

I've been reading the book Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel. So far it's been a decent read, but I was really struck with the section that describes how many Christian families want to raise "safe" Christian kids. This is done by essentially raising them in a bubble -- Christian schools, Christian friends, protection from the evils of the world, and so on.

Kimmel tells the story of a Christian college that sent some students on a missions trip. One student was injured on the trip; her mother sued the school. And won. While I don't know the specifics of this event, it really struck me as being an interesting and disturbing shift in Christian thought. And it also left me aching at the shallowness of some peoples' faith (including my own). And it challenged me to consider risking everything in order to share God's love with others, to live a life that rests and relies completely on Him, and to treasure following God above my own safety.

Kimmel's own daughter was planning on going on a missions trip in Haiti with a group from her Christian college. At the time, Haiti was placed on the U.S. State Department's travelers alert. A parent called the college and said they should cancel the trip because it was unsafe. The school responded that many places where missions were most needed were on the travelers alert list. The parent asked if the university was prepared to guarantee the safety of their daughter. And threatened a lawsuit if anything did happen to her daughter. The school was backed into a financial and legal corner and ended up canceling the trip. (Why the mom didn't just pull her own kid from the trip I don't know...)

How did Kimmel's daughter respond? She went to Haiti on her own, brought the supplies the school had gathered with her, and returned the following summer to continue work.

I hope that I can raise my children to be strong and reliant on Christ. Though I would be so grieved if anything happened to my children on the mission field, my joy would be overwhelming to know that their hope rested in God.

After Caleb was born and I started staying home with him, my life became a bit of a fog. I would wander through the day taking care of him (enjoying him!), trying not to forget basic things like eating and exercise. That was pretty much all consuming, and then we decided to move across the country. So, then I balanced packing, shopping & selling, pricing moving possibilities, calling a million people to arrange storage & living arrangements... When we got here, the house hunt started and I immersed myself in that. I told myself that my job was to care for Caleb and to bring our family to a point where we could relax. Well, now we are comfortably moved in, most of the broken stuff is fixed (contractors are replacing the roof & pouring cement in the coming weeks still!), and things feel pretty good.

So, now I am excited. This is exactly the place, one year ago, I hoped I would be. Now, with Caleb in tow, I have a blank canvas before me on which to paint how I live my life. I will no longer be all consumed with insane amounts of life changes all at once (for now anyway). The question I have been asking myself is, what do I want to do now? After much thought over the past year, I have decided that I would like to cultivate disciplines in myself that are healthy and sustainable. This is not to be taken lightly and I concentrate on one at a time. Here is my list so far:

Cultivated Disciplines:

1. Daily Bible Reading & Study - I read the Bible most mornings while Caleb and I are eating breakfast, often out loud to him. I've been also praying through the Psalms for Caleb and Josh and anyone/anything else that comes to mind. It is fantastic to start the day off like this.


2. Nightime "Fly By" Cleaning - Every night I do a walk through of the house to make sure things are picked up. I go from room to room and do a quick assessment and tidy up. This means that the dishwasher is full and started before bed, laundry is put in hampers, toys are off the floor, and so on. It gives me a satisfied feeling of completion at the end of the day and also helps me to start the next day without feeling frazzled. Sometimes I'll even do a spot clean here and there (bathroom, sweep, etc.) if I'm feeling in the zone.


3. Memorize Fighter Verses - I started memorizing fighter verses. Setting God's word permanently in my mind has been so important to me. I find myself reciting verses throughout the day to help me get out of a bad attitude or temporary despair or whatever. It reminds me of who I am and what my purpose is. Nothing like giving my life some directed focus!

Upcoming Disciplines:

1. Writing - I need to write more about my thoughts. My blog has fallen wayside more often than not and I think it's important for me to keep writing.


2. Creating - I've started working on some craft projects here and there and I have some art in the works. I want to make sure that I set aside regular time where I can connect and create using my hands. There is something so satisfying about using my hands to make stuff (i.e. not on a computer!).


3. Ministry & Hospitality - Working on this. I'm trying to understand how my day-to-day encounters with others can show Christ's love through both words and practice.

I went to the doctor today for a consult before I attempted to get pregnant again (because of my miscarriage history). I left thinking about God's sovereignty and humans worshipping at the idol of data (I had some metropolis-like imagery of humans worshipping a giant computer in my head at this point, but that's neither here nor there.).

The doctor told me that "the data now shows" that women shouldn't get pregnant earlier than 18 months after giving birth. Other than opinions of child-spacing, I hadn't heard this from a medical standpoint before. I asked her why and she said that women who did so had a higher risk of anemia. I asked her to tell me more about anemia and she said it had side effects such as exhaustion and feeling too tired to get up and work (at which I said, "Man, I must already have anemia!" She didn't think it was funny. I followed this up by saying, "Isn't that just the sign of new parents? Exhausted? Too tired to do work?" Again, she was clearly not amused, which made me question if I ever wanted to see her again. How can you not think that's funny!?! So sad.).

So, I asked her what the chances were of getting anemia and she said she did "not have access to that data." So, I'm thinking, do half of all women get it? Or like 1 in 10,000? Because, if we're going to be swinging data around to help me determine my life's path, then I want to know all of the data.

I feel afraid for this information age. I feel that many have replaced God with data and statistics and market analysis and anything else that gets run through a computer. When you are afraid, see what the data tells you to find strength in. When you are hopeless, the data will tell you your best shot at success. When you have given up, the data will give you the strength to carry on (or tell you if you were right to give up!).

This reminds me of when my dad used to do his research at the University and, after giving years worth of data to the statistician, would be asked, "And how do you want this data to read?" Meaning, what is your report on so we can skew the data in your favor? My dad would usually respond, "Just run the numbers and you tell me if you see anything worthwhile. Then we'll know how it reads." He was a rebel.

The thing that data-worshippers are missing is that data and statistics can be manipulated in so many ways. Regardless of what the numbers say, human error has it's fingerprints all over most data (poorly written measuring tools, personal bias, skewing of numbers, leaving out pertinent information, etc.) It isn't something you can trust, and it isn't something you should lean on as your life's guide. And it definitely isn't something to stake your life on.

Granted, I'm not saying that looking at data is bad or evil. I think there are times when data is very relevant and very telling. But, in this case, I think it's probably not as big of a deal as my doctor made it out to be. (But, if I come on later and announce that I have anemia, you can toss out a quality Nelson Muntz "Ha-HA!" to me...)

In the end, I trust God's sovereign plan for my life. He will decide how many babies I lose, and how many babies I give birth to, and how many children we adopt. Whether it be many or none. He rules over my family and I yield to Him. I trust him far more than anything spit out by a computer.

I have been praying for God to reteach me about things that I learned when I was younger, in an effort to have a more mature grasp of what they mean. One thing I wanted to learn more about was holiness and this is what I learned in my studies.

God simply IS holy. I was struck by my Old Testament reading in Exodus, particularly Exodus 33. One of the things the LORD says to Moses is, "Go up to the land flowing with milk and honey. But I will not go with you, because you are a stiff-necked people and I might destroy you on the way." And in verse 5 the LORD says to Moses, "Tell the Israelites, 'You are a stiff-necked people. If I were to go with you even for a moment, I might destroy you. Now take off your ornaments and I will decide what to do with you.'" (italics mine).

Whenever I read this, I'm like, "HE MIGHT DESTROY THEM!?!?!" Well, yes, because He is that holy. His holiness is so pure and perfect that He cannot even be in the presence of evil or He will destroy the unholy vessel. God chooses to withhold himself from the Israelites here because He knows how powerful His holiness is, which also sets in further motion the gospel redemption story through Christ (God wants to be with us, we are unholy & would be destroyed by God because of his holiness & justice, He sends Christ to live a sinless life and to be sacrificed as a lamb to pay for our sins, we are purchased by God through the blood of Christ, God chooses those to bring to Himself so we can return to our original purpose of glorifying and worshipping Him...something like that).

God's holiness is jealous. In Joshua 24:19, Joshua says to the people, "You are not able to serve the LORD. He is a holy God; he is a jealous God. He will not forgive your rebellion and your sins." This struck me because I recognized that God originally made us for the purpose of glorifying and worshipping Him, in a pure and holy state. When we allow sin, no matter how seemingly small, it is like bringing a mistress or idol in between us and God. He longs to be with us, and is jealous of anything that turns our thoughts and heart away from Him. His holiness wants us fully, completely.

What does this mean for me? First, it gives me a stronger understanding of how my sin defiles my relationship with God. This then gives me a deeper longing to have no sin - to be with my God purely and wholly. Because I am unable to live a sin free life, it makes me cling to Christ even more, knowing that I cannot be good enough to free myself from the things I do even though I hate them. It pushes me to touch the robe of the one who bought me and redeemed me.

In the book I'm reading, The True Woman, there is a quote by Elizabeth Prentiss, "To love Christ more - this is the deepest need, the constant cry of my soul. Down in the bowling-alley, and out in the woods, and on my bed, and out driving, when I am happy and busy, and when I am sad and idle, the whisper keeps going up for more love, more love, more love."

This prayer and thought of Prentiss is shared by me; that my life could somehow reflect more love to Christ, more love to Christ, more love to Christ.

When I lived in Cupertino, before baby, and was teaching art and finishing my master's degree, I found myself frustrated by the mundane day-to-day things. One of my biggest peeves was unlocking my front door. It was more complicated than it needed to be. I'd usually get home late at night, and the yard light may or may not have been on. After exiting the car, I'd stick my overly-heavy backpack on my back, then head to the trunk to bring in other things. This could include piles of papers or portfolios of artwork to grade, my toolbox of art supplies, my large portfolio of personal drawings, binders of curriculum, video & photo equipment, piles of library books, groceries, and other such things. I hated taking two trips, so I'd just pack it all on myself like I was some kind of pack horse or alpaca.

Then I'd get to the door, possibly in the dark because of no yard light on, and set some of the things down so I could use my finger to pry open the screen door, usually doing some kind of bendy-twisty dance because of the awkward shape of our entry - a wall on one side and a pointy shrub on the other. I'd use my foot to kick open the door, then dig through all of my pockets to find my keys (I never remembered which one I put them in). Finally, I'd stick the keys in the lock, then put pressure on the door at just the right angle to get my key to turn. The door would fly back and I'd have to grab my mass of things, now mostly dropped in piles around the sidewalk. My home entry would end with grabbing my stuff and tossing it just inside the door while repeatedly getting slammed on by the screen door and trying to keep the cat from escaping.

I hated getting through that front door so much that I once said to Josh, "I wish I could stand at that front door and just unlock it for three months straight and then never have to unlock it again." While I'm sure he probably thought I was weird, I considered how cool it would be if you could sort of stock up on mundane tasks to get you through. What if the length of your shower was related to the length of time you stayed clean? What if you could wash dishes for a length of time only to have them stay clean for a proportionate amount of time afterwards? The truth is that, no matter how long your shower is, one step in the mud and you're dirty again. And, no matter how long you wash a dish, one spoonful of baked beans dirties it again. And, no matter how long you spend unlocking your front door, you're just going to have to do it again the next time you come home.

Why do I write about this? Because I made a great realization recently. This life is where I am stocking up on mundane tasks. I'm doing lots of hard things now - boring things, tedious things, annoying things. I was reading Hebrews 11 and was struck by verse 10. Here it is in context:

 8By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. 9By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.

Abraham was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. Everything I do now, whether mundane or otherwise, are temporary to my life on this earth; I am living in tents. But I, like Abraham, look forward to the city with foundations. That thought puts everything in perspective to me. Everything I experience here is a blip on the screen compared to an eternity spent worshipping my God.