The Critics Speak

Movie Rating System Explained

Before I continue with my reviews, I need to set some things up. First, I'm not the world's best writer, but I do have pretty strong opinions on films and like to get my thoughts out after watching a film. I always get mad when I remember a film I watched, but can't remember my thoughts on it. So, this is going to kind of archive my thoughts. Then I figured, "Hey, might as well stick them on my website. Just in case...you know...anyone actually cares what I think." So, here is my critics page. Enjoy.

My rating system goes as follows. Films will be ranked on a scale of zero to awesome. This is what each rating means:

• AWESOME: One of the absolute best films ever made, if you haven't seen this you're a total idiot. It has everything: phenomenal acting, great script, beautiful shots, meaning, symbolism, evolving characters. It also has a significant place in the history of films. I give this out rarely, and with great care.


• SOLID & THOUGHTFUL: The script is solid and well written, the artistry of the film is consistent and appropriate for the content. The characters are believably, if not exceptionally played and evolve throughout. It moves beyond being just a flick, and has something to say about the state of life or another important topic. It can still be a fun movie, but this one makes a nice package and keeps the old ticker ticking throughout.


• GOTTA SEE IT: Totally worth seeing & is memorable. It is close to being "Solid & Thoughtful" but may be lacking in at least one area. I really enjoyed watching this one.


• GOOD!: It was good! Not great, not bad, but good! I enjoyed it, it made me think a bit or smile a bit or is just a neat little package of a movie. It may have some flaws, but it's overall just plain good!


• FUN: Not necessarily the world's best movie, but it is fun to watch. There may be some holes in the plot or some poor acting, but it's just plain entertaining to see it, so why not give it a try? Just because it's not the best movie ever doesn't mean we should automatically through it on the crap burner. Watch it, sing along, learn all the words, watch it with a kid, take to heart the cheesy moral it tries to teach...whatever. It's just entertaining to watch.


• TOLERABLE: Meh. It was okay. Someone might like it. It just didn't do anything for me. If I could choose, I would probably take back those couple hours of my life...but it's really not worth fussing over. So...basically...this movie is "meh." That's right, M-E-H.


• "CREATIVE" or "UNIQUE": "C" is for "Creative," it's good enough for me. This flick is trying to do something interesting or different. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it's not always necessarily good either. This rating is for the film that started out good, then flaked at the end, or vice versa. If movies were all meant for therapy, this category would be the half-way-house between the sane and insane.


• LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR: This is the movie that is stupid enough that everyone will "get it." Not everyone will laugh, but we will all get it. Instead of having intelligent things to say, it will instead try to woo the audience through bathroom humor or degrading women or mocking something that shouldn't be mocked. Middle schoolers will love it...everyone else should hate it (unless they have the movie mentality of a middle schooler...which is actually a lot of people).


• CRAP FOR CRAP: The plot had holes in it, the filming was done by some person who didn't quite graduate from film school. It's probably some desperate attempt by some producer to make money off the unknowing public. It's probably a "Part II" movie that was written & directed by someone different than the original. The film should burn in a secret closet somewhere, and we should never speak of it again.


• I'D RATHER HAVE LYME'S DISEASE: Yeah. Painful. Ouch. What the heck were these people thinking??? And why didn't they just shoot me before entering the theater? It would have been a lot easier on all of us.


• ZERO: This is the kind of movie that makes everyone shake their head in disgust. If we could erase it from history, we would. But, it does serve as a marker for "how low can you go." Everything about it is terrible. Very few films reach these ranks...but the words "Gigli" and "Master of Disguise" do come to mind.